It's been a trying time for me, as you could imagine...though I'm doing my best to get by. I found myself crabby and emotional again today, I think partly because it's starting to sink in that I'll probably never run/race again...maybe an easy marathon down the road, but to lay it on the line at a 10 miler or half-marathon, yea, those days are done, and that makes me sad.
I think back to some of my best/favorite runs...the 1988 Big Bay Relay...our team got beat, though we ran 2:00:46 for the marathon distance for the runner-up spot, and I averaged 4:27 for my five 1 mile legs (We would go on to win 1989-2003, though our 1988 time was as fast as we could run...); 2008 when I ran the Lumber Jack Days 10 Miler in Stillwater in a solid time of 1:02 and change to finish the year with 18th fastest AG time in MN (45-49)...what makes that run insane? I was pushing Torun in a baby-jogger! Yep, WE ran 6:15 pace...one of those days when I was just 'on'! ...let's not forget the 2006 Baton Rouge Beach Marathon (3:04 and Master's win) or the 2013 Marquette Marathon (20 mile split about 2:20). What do these 2 races have in common? I was in piss-poor shape for them both, yet was able to get in a groove (with the help of some killer tunes), put my head down and just work through the shit the races brought me. Proud of my effort in them both.
In some ways I guess you could say I'm at peace with it, because frankly, I was having a hard time getting myself motivated to train the way I liked, which was all about pounding, ...it just would have been easier to go out on MY terms, not dictated by a bad tick-tocker.
So as you know, I had another procedure last week, the Right Heart Catheterization...joy joy.
Show up on Thursday around noon, check myself in and get prepped. This is supposed to be an easy deal, just run a catheter through my neck into my heart...that's it. ...and frankly, it was pretty uneventful, though I don't remember much, more the waiting around as they found a spot for me.
I knew, however, that the later they kept pushing my procedure out, the better the chance I would stay overnight, again...and sure enough, I don't head in until 4 or so. Fuck, another hospital stay, at least give me some good news?
...and YES, good news, well, better than I HAVE been getting, but my cardiac index number was at 2.9 (On a scale of 2.6-4.0) ...so, I'm on the chart! ...however, another heart ultrasound brought me back to earth...2 words, UG LY.
So who knows what the hell is going on...seems like everyone is still hinting at a new heart at some point, but I think they want to try a few things first. And by a 'few things', try this...my resting HR HAD been 38 when I first was admitted in March, then 2 weeks ago they set my pacemaker at a minimum of 45, meaning that at night, that bastard is running, keeping me at 45. So now, I guess, it was time to take a gamble, and maybe I'm ready, I don't know...but they now have my minimum HR set at 70! Yep, 70...that's like spinning or walking type HR...now it's my resting as well. I even asked my cardiologist if that seemed a bit radical...'What's the worst that can happen...' Well, good point, I guess?
How have I been feeling with the new HR? Honestly, not much different...I still need to nap, I still get dizzy getting off the couch or out of bed...out of breath a lot and tired walking up stairs, but my heart is warm...
(Though on Sunday I rode 28 miles on the MTB on the Regional trail and felt solid, though was pretty beat up on Monday...maybe not one of my brightest moves...)
...nap break...
Woke this morning more at peace than what I was feeling last night, even after only 3 hours of sleep. Last night I was crabby, ANGRY, lonely...ready to beat the shit out of somebody, anybody!
This feeling of feeling 'lost' really sucks, though I need to keep my health in perspective, as there are a LOT of people who are in a much tougher spot than me.
This morning I'm thinking more about today's doctors appointment, trying to make/keep a list of 'issues' to bring with me...let's hope I get good news.
Fingers crossed.
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