i·den·ti·ty
ˌīˈden(t)ədē/
noun
- 1.the fact of being who or what a person or thing is.
I've been thinking hard about identity recently, and what it means...and what is becoming of MY identity?
I'm becoming more lost by the day, not being able to run after so many years, and so many miles... I was known as a runner, I felt like a runner for many years.
Now, I'm just a guy, and some days, not a very good one.
A friend of mine recently said I need to focus on being a good coach and a better father...is that my identity? I find myself questioning who I am...
I was able to talk to a another friend in depth tonight about her cancer, how she traveled the road alone, and what SHE did to get herself out of bed every morning during and after...it's hard.
At the time, she felt the same way that I do right now...questioning why, why me, why am I getting out of bed. But, she got through, one day at a time, with the help of friends and family, and now she's rocking life...so there IS hope for me!
Can we talk about today's adventure? Ugh...the scheduled PET Cardiac Sarcoid Study.
This test involves pumping my body full of radiation and then shoving me into a CT 'tube', looking for sarcoidosis in and around the heart...don't ask.
I was ushered into the dreaded CT room around 8... Insert IV, a quick 15 minutes in the tube, I believe to just get a baseline. "Have they told you how big your heart is?" ...why yes they have, thank you...dick.
Brings me back to a small personalized room, get's me comfy, then shoots me full of radiation, along with a couple of vials of saline...then asks me to sit there for 2 hours...really?
At the end of my 2 hours/prison, I'm brought back to the CT room and placed back in the tube for another 15 minutes...REPEAT.
Results? I won't find out anything until Friday when I meet with my cardiologist.
Last Friday I completed a stress-test on a treadmill at the Heart Institute...I think I crushed it, but what does that mean? With an ejection fraction of @15 I can still dominate the treadmill...that bitch was smoking, I was working it so hard...well, maybe not, BUT, I thought the test went well...I did my best. Speed wasn't killer, but the elevation, wow. Started at 10% with nominal speed, though every 3 minutes they bumped up, both elevation AND speed. When I finally 'gave-in', I think I was running at 22% elevation...HR stuck at 164/165, VO2 max was solid...BOOM.
But what does that even mean? I've done a similar test so many times, I knew HOW to work, and when...and being a pretty tough/stubborn kid, I knew I could hang on...which I did.
I guess we'll get those results on Friday as well.
Am I going to get a clean bill of health and I'll be told maybe I can start running again? No...BUT, maybe the tests will show that I'm efficient enough to live at 15%...hell, I don't even know what I'm talking about...again, lost. Friday.
I think where I'm at, nobody knows what to do with me, so I think the tests are more to cross 'possibilities' off the list. I don't believe I have cardiac sarcoidosis, but let's find out, and if not, we can cross it off the list.
What's next? Bring that shit on, 'cause I'm Derek Lindstrom, and I can do anything!
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