Thinking Back...25 Days/25 races

25 DAYS AND COUNTING...COUNTING DOWN!
Thanks for stopping by and taking a peak... It's been quite the ride...running and racing pretty consistently over the past 40+ years, but as you know, those days are coming to an end on August 18th of this year, the finish line of the Leadville100 Trail Run, the final race in the #Leadman series. 
As I sit here, readying myself for my final 3 races before I hang up the trainers, I thought it might be fun to look back at my 25 favorite races, though not necessarily the fastest, I guess we could say the 25 most 'memorable'.
I would hate to guess how as to how many races I have raced and/or paced since I started running in August of 1976...has to be close to 600+ races, and maybe someday I'll tackle the counting of races, but for today, we'll just say that 'I've raced a lot'. ...and I LOVE(D) to race...1 mile on the track/roads, marathons, trail ultras, just get me to the starting line healthy, and I'll give it my all. A lot of times giving my all meant a BIG win, other times I would blow-up and wind up finishing 7th...but I learned SO much every time I raced, and while I never got to the 'next level', I could usually get myself in sub 16 minute 5K shape pretty quick, it's the consistency that would always curtail my training/racing. New job, new girlfriend...whatever, but I always had my running, and eventually it was back to racing. Running, I will surely miss you...but I need to focus on the next 'journey' that life has in store for me...
25 days of races, leading up to the finish of the Leadville 100...

So, let's get this party started...drum-roll, please...coming in at #25:
June 8th, 1991, this whole summer/fall for that matter, but of all the racing I did that summer, the Racine Lighthouse 10 Mile Run really stands out. 
I get to the race late, shocking, I know...quick packet pick-up, throw on the flats and BANG, gun goes off, but I'm still a block away at the car! There was no 'chip' time back then, so the clock is running...but I'm in solid shape, let's see how many I can catch. Get to the start line with the clock at :41 seconds, but with so many people, I never had to run alone. 
I don't remember many of my splits, (mile 6 in 5:19) but I do remember how GREAT I felt...legs felt strong and springy, and I really got into a groove early...and with the exception of a little 'struggle' over the final .5 mile, I felt (and ran) rock solid. Strong field, as usual for this race, but I crossed in 55:56 (55:15) to finish 22nd place overall. ...I still wonder how fast I could have run had I gone out with the leaders, but either way, this race will always be a highlight. ...I also remember that we did a 11+ mile cool-down after the race, for some reason, maybe to make up for the warm-up that never happened.

1991 was a good running year for me, with 19 races (winning 7 of them). 
May of that year I was on the winning Big Bay Relay team, a couple of weeks later I won a 5K in Peshtigo,WI; June had me at the Lighthouse Run, and then later that month I won another 5K, this time in Cambridge, WI...nothing fast (16:01), but a win. 
Badger State Games (4 x 800 anchor); 4th place at the Rockford Mile (4:18) in August; Schneider National 2 Mile Champs, big win in 9:39 in September...and in October, the Lodi Library Fund Run (15:54 for 2nd) and the Beloit Classic the following weekend, same time, same place...

SO many races...I hope you check back from time to time over the next 25 days...not only a lot of races, a LOT of stories...with so many friends/relationships made!

Running playlist song #25: The Pretender - Foo Fighters
Tomorrow, #24, is gonna be fun :)

Emotions...

Deep breath, Derek. 

...still coming down from the high/low/emotionally charged race from this past Sunday, the Silver Rush 50 Mile MTB...a race that really beat me up.

Back up a step...as I get deeper into this #leadman quest, I have found myself becoming more and more emotional, similar to how I felt in the Spring of 2018 when I first found out about my heart failure and the numerous hospital visits/stays over that summer. I found it really easy to blog/write as my emotions were so raw...lately, more than likely because I know what my path/journey has in store for me, I have been less emotional...in general, more at peace with the 'process'.

Well, emotions were out in full-force this past Sunday...

Let's go back to June for a sec...ran the Leadville Trail Marathon on June 15th, race #1 on the Leadman calendar, running the first 11+ with Lisa, then just 'got through' the race, feeling great every step of the way. Tough course, though one of the easier marathons I have run. (Now at 111 marathons...) I ran just a tick over 6 hours, making my time cut-off by over 2 hours, moving me on to race #2, the 50 MTB. ...during the later miles of the marathon I needed to sit at an aid station for a few minutes and regroup, I was becoming very emotional, knowing that this was probably going to be my last marathon, and that was hard. My life has been all about running/riding for so long...the friendships, the relationships I have enjoyed during my 40+ years of competing...this was more than likely it...and I found that hard. 

I had a good training cycle for the 3 weeks between the 2 races, mixing in riding/power-walking and 'running'...really thought I was ready, though I have been in this game long enough to know that every race brings upon a new challenge, and the bike certainly did.

Even though I am in heart failure, and I'm doing things that I shouldn't be able to do with an ejection fraction of 17% (heart pumping function), I believe that because I have been so active, SO efficient for so many years, that certain types of activities just don't bother me...like running the five 1 mile repeats at the Big Bay Relay in May, averaging around 6:30 with my heart-rate hovering around 130. I think I am able to do that because my body is 'efficient' working hard like that. Now granted, there was a time when I could average 4:37 for the same race, so we'll keep that in perspective, but still, I believe it's all about the efficiency.  I can still get on the MTB for hours, on a paved/gravel trail, and hammer out 18-19 mph with a HR hovering around 120, and I feel great...again, because of years of efficiency. What I AM noticing, however, is that I have limited power for any type of climbing on the bike, or easy running for that matter. 

Hear me out for a sec. I can race (mile repeats) at 130 HR...still hard, but efficient. When I go to run 'easy', say 9:30-10:30 pace, the HR jumps to around 160...I believe it jumps because my body is not efficient at that pace...which is gonna suck at the 100 mile run in August. Ugh...

So let's go back to last Sunday, the 50 MTB. I'm ready...bike is fit, and thanks to Cycle For Life out of Leadville, the bike is ready to be ridden hard. 
The race starts at the bottom of a ski hill, and for the first 2:30 of the race, you're pushing your bike UP the f'n ski hill...what? 2:30 into the race and I'm ready to die...oh my. The next 10-11 miles of the race are ALL uphill, going from 10,200 elevation to near 12,000 feet, and I'm sucking wind the WHOLE time...but the downhills are coming, right? Well, the downhills were SO rocky, and when I say 'rocky', I'm not talking gravel...rocks! Some of the cats came cruising down at 35-45 mph, I ended up maxing out at 30.9 mph, though most of the time I had a handful of brakes. SO hard on me...physically the course beat the shit out of me, from the first step on. Emotionally it was just as hard...because I'm wired the way I'm wired, I have a hard time doing anything 'easy', so even though I was a couple of hours under the race cut-off, I had to keep pushing, and it took a toll. I was hoping to finish in 6:15, though I'm not sure where I got that time 'goal' from...well, finished in 6:28 and change, but it was a hard 6:28. When I finished, Lisa was there waiting for me, and did I all could do to not break down and cry...hold it together, Derek...you're Derek Lindstrom, and you can do anything! 

Raced on Sunday July 7th and spent the next day driving back to MN...took 2 days off, then it was back to the bike for a 2+ hour urban MTB, but my body was not ready...at about 15 minutes in it was screaming 'I need another few days off'...so what do I do? I spent the next night power-walking with Gabe in the pitch dark for 3 hours/12 miles at Hyland Regional Park...NOW I'm tired, and will take today as an off day. ...just don't know how to manage my days.  Am I tired from the race...or do I factor in the heart failure? 

I have 4 weeks until the 100 MTB and 5 until the 100 trail run, so I just need the body to hold up for 5 more weeks! ...duct tape and Tylenol til then?

So, it's time to re-group, put on my big-boy pants and toughen up...don't be such a pansy, Derek...it's just running and riding, right? ...Lisa was asked yesterday 'how is he doing that', knowing that I am in heart failure...and honestly, I don't know. Maybe because I'm Derek Lindstrom? Maybe I'm just too stubborn to quit? ...maybe, or probably, I NEED to finish this Leadman series this summer so I can 'retire' on MY terms, not having to quit because someone/doctor has told me that I can't do it any longer. So I'm going to toe the line 3 more times in August, I will race as hard/smart as I can...I will do my best to be on stage Sunday after I finish the 100 mile trail run, along with 35 other Leadman finishers, 35 of the fittest athletes in the world...  'I'm Derek Lindstrom, and I can do anything!'

Stay tuned...

Quick race-recap...

Still coming off the 'high' of racing this past weekend...it wasn't fast, but what a hoot!
Drove up Friday afternoon, picking up a high school buddy along the way to Marquette, MI, my hometown, and where the Big Bay Relay starts, making it's way from MQT to Big Bay, MI. The BBR is a (roughly) marathon distance relay, with 5 runners on a team, each running 5 legs, legs ranging in distance from .6 to 1.7 miles, though most of the legs were right at 1 mile each. I have run this race 17 or 18 times in the past, running on the winning team maybe 14 or 15 times, running roughly 2:00 -2:08 for the distance. I remember somewhere around 1988 where I ran my 5 one mile legs in a 4:37 average...well that didn't happen this year, nor should it have...but, still happy with the results.
My first leg was 1.65 miles long, with a cranky hill in the middle...I fought through and ran a 7:09 avg.; leg 2 was 1.01 which I ran in 6:37; leg 3 was a .98 mile UP-hill mile which I ran in 7:29...this mile was hard on me. The running 'fast' on a flat surface, easy enough, but I don't have the capacity to power through the hills, obviously. My 4th leg was .97 mile which I ran in 6:44...with my 5th leg, only .67 of a mile, being a downhill leg, which I ran at 6:08 pace...then I was done.
As good as to be expected given my health 'challenges', but super frustrated in that when I wanted to 'go', I had no answers, almost as if I had a governor on my pacer/heart...does that make sense?
When I finished I looked up my paces and such on the Garmin, and while everything looked right, my heart-rate never got much over 130...?? Super confused. Here is my average HR for each leg: 1 - 135; 2 - 130; 3 - 128; 4 - 134; 5 - 128...128? That's just dumb...and confusing...more about that later. Remember, these were at 'race' pace, as hard as I could go...128?
We had a great time as a team, finishing 7th overall, making some real nice friends along the way!

...fast forward to Monday May 20th, 2 days post-race, and I head out for an easy 13 mile trail run with Lisa and Maria...minimal elevation and keeping the pace as close to 10:30 as possible, which seems to be really comfortable for me...a pace I can talk, sing and whistle at without issues...FYI, I'm a great whistler :)

So, 'race' HR on Saturday was roughly 130...easy trail run HR average, 160, with a max of 180? WTH is that all about...only 3 of my miles had me under 160, and barely...??? I just don't understand... It jumped to 160 by mile 1, and stayed there...racing, creeped up to 130 quick, and stayed there. Is my body just more efficient at 'race' pace because I spent so much time there over the past 35+ years? ...or am I deteriorating faster than I think? ...but the running and biking feel so good still, I'd be surprised. ...if that's the case, it's gonna suck a** at the Leadville Trail Marathon if my HR gets to and stays at 160+ for 7 hours... 

Monday night after my run, FREEZING...I could not get warm! Sweatshirt and pants, in bed! ...maybe I was a bit dehydrated, but I thought I did a nice job of hydrating on the run...though I know I need to do a better job of drinking. Back in the day, 15 miles of running, minimal hydration, if at all...I guess now that I'm 'old' and in #heartfailure, I need to eat/drink more when I'm running/riding. Hard to teach an old dog (ruf ruf) new tricks...

I don't have an appointment with my cardiologist until late July, maybe it's time to get in a bit sooner, possibly before the the marathon...duh. Only 24 days until the #LeadvilleTrailMarathon...

The rest of the weekend was beyond amazing...a trip I NEEDED. My 4 teammates are high school buddies, guys I've known since the early 80's...good friends, hoping to run as a team again next year, but as we know, tomorrow is not a guarantee. 

All 4 of my teammates ran amazing... Our first runner, Jon, an amazing athlete (2 mile MSHS record holder for like 20 years), opened up with a 6:20 mile, on a tough leg! How does he do that? Steve ran rock-solid, as usual, as our #2 runner...John, who is in 3:20 marathon shape (1 mile MSHS record holder for like 15 years), had no problems at all with 5 measly 1 mile legs...I ran as the 4th leg, and Bob had the luxury of the 5 toughest legs, most being crazy UP! 

...as life keeps throwing me curve balls, it's nice to spend weekends with good friends...run hard, laugh, talk deep...and consume a beverage or 3. ...already looking forward to 2020!! Love your family, Jon...

Please, stop and take in the view...life is SO short!

Race Update - Leadville/Big Bay Relay

Finally, an updated blog...it's been a crazy few months, but life is beginning to settle down.
Yes, Leadman is still happening. Not sure what I'm thinking, racing 5 times at altitude while in heart failure...but what's the worst that can happen, right?
Here is the summer Leadman schedule:
June 15th - Leadville Trail Marathon
July 7th - Silver Rush 5O MTB
August 10th - Leadville 1OO MTB
August 11th - Leadville 1OK Trail Run
August 17th/18th - Leadville 1OO Trail Run
I know, what in the hell am I thinking? Here is my logic...I am still rolling in heart failure, though it seems like I've stabilized a bit...my ejection fraction is still sitting around 17% and my VO2 Max hasn't moved much. Last summer during 2 treadmill stress tests, I recorded a 46 and a 44...well as of today, I'm still sitting at 42 (According to my Garmin)...so why not roll the dice, while I still can, and put that book-end to my running career? ...after a heart transplant, from what I understand, it will take a while to get back to exercising, and even then, it's going to be slow, and a 'Leadman' type race, where I have to hit performance/time cut-offs, will more than likely not happen again. Sure, maybe someday I'll be able to jog a marathon again, or do a triathlon (If the sport is still around...) but the days of qualifying for Kona, or Boston...or Leadman, will be done. So lace up the shoes this summer, toe the fucking line, race hard/race smart...roll the dice and see what happens!

Not all that worried about the marathon on June 15th...Lisa is running this one with me...or the 50 MTB in July...just looking for a comfortable finish. The 100 MTB on the other hand, could be a battle. Now granted, I haven't been biking all that much, maybe 3 times/about 80 miles per week, but I seem to have minimal power...whether on the trainer at LifeTime or on the roads. I definitely don't have much climbing power, or power riding into the wind...but I've been doing my best getting my workouts in. Some days they click, others suck ass... The 1OK, the day after the 1OO MTB, no worries...but then 6 days later, it's time for the big-dance. 1OO miles of UG LY trail running. Honestly, not sure how I'm gonna pull this race out of my ass, but what I always fall back on...I'm Derek Lindstrom, and this is NOT my first rodeo. It will NOT be easy, but life hasn't been easy...100+ of my 110 marathons have not been easy...this is just one more race, likely one of my/if not my last race...I'm going to enjoy the shit out of it, as much as I can, I guess :) 
I'm still in talks with a group about doing a short film on my training/racing journey. This Friday I have an interview with my local newspaper, and I've also picked up a few really nice sponsors that will help a lot over the summer. 
KT Tape jumped on board with merchandise to help, and wow...seems like I'm held together with KT Tape...working wonders on this old body!
...I also got in as a Hive ambassador with Honey Stinger Nutrition...hands down the best tasting gel/chew/waffle brand. The chews and gels are staples for my training nutrition and will be in Leadville this summer. The waffles I need to be careful with...so yummy, though if there are 8 of them in the house, I'll eat 7 and save Lisa 1...waffle/gel/waffle sandwich, oh my! 
The support is amazing! Hoping for a movie party this fall, proceeds and awareness to organ donation...
Pacers and crew all set for Leadville...we have lodging and dog sitters for all the races. I feel like the race series has taken over parts of my life, but I know if I don't put in the work, it could get ugly(er).
Speaking of ugly, I took a nasty spill running downhill at Afton State Park about 4 weeks ago...not sure if I cracked some ribs and/or sternum, but it still hurts to breathe deep...makes for some interesting workouts. I know, I should probably go and see someone, but frankly, I've seen my share of doctors over the past 14 months...ugh.
Also, about 6 weeks ago I had another scare...this time it was a pesky clot that broke free from my heart and got stuck in my left arm...so, another 3 days in the hospital...joy joy. Then 2 weeks ago, another stay to work on a sleep study...another long story. I get those results tomorrow morning. Hoping for a CPAP machine to help me sleep deep...but we'll see. It's always something.
Speaking of racing, this upcoming Saturday I will be racing the Big Bay Relay in Marquette, MI with 4 high school buddies. I have run this race 17 times, the first time was in 1980. I think I was on the winning team 14 times, including in 1988 when I averaged 4:37 for my five 1 mile legs. This year there will be NO 4:37 miles...if I can run 6:37 I'll be elated. For BBR training, I've done a couple of quick speed-work sessions on the treadmill over the last couple of weeks, and those went well...12 x :45 at 9.5 with .5 elevation with 1:15 jog recoveries. Not crazy fast, but it got the legs moving again... Saturday, five 1 mile legs with @25 minute breaks...SO looking forward to it!
I was really confused after my first speed session last week...I'm in heart failure...hell, there are a lot of people with an EF of 17% who can't walk, let alone run and need an LVAD or heart asap. Me? I get on the tread and pound out 12 x :45...how? It's confusing for me...can I do more? Should I be doing more? Am I going to collapse and die during a session? I just don't understand. Some of my easy trail runs just don't go well, and I feel as if I am deteriorating, yet I get on the tread and rock out some speed... WTH!
Today for speed, I rode my bike to the club (about 23 minutes each way) did my speed then rode home. What the hell am I doing...yet the speed makes me feel ALIVE, and I love that feeling!

I think I've done a pretty good job dealing with life and keeping things light, knowing that there is not much I can do besides smile, continue to work hard...and when it's time for a heart, then it's time. 3 months? 6 Months? 18 months? Who knows...but I am NOT going to sit back and just wait, I am going to continue to enjoy life, enjoy loved ones and family...but some days it's not easy. Some days I still sit back and think 'why me'? ...but, why NOT me? 

I'll be sure to post race results this weekend :)

One Year Anniversary...

Good golly, what a year. March 3rd is the 1 year anniversary of my stroke, maybe not my first stroke, but the one that brought me into the ER and was the beginning of my journey.  
Here I sit, 1 year later, at peace with the past year, and at peace with the road ahead. Bumpy? It will be, but good god, 'I'm Derek Lindstrom', and I can do anything.
For those of you just tuning in, welcome! I reinvented my training blog to include my health 'issues', and to date, it's been viewed over 13,000 times! THANK YOU for all of the support, and I'm sorry it's been a spell since my last post. 

Recap?  First, here are the most viewed posts from 2018...
April 12th, 2018 - 'I'm Derek Lindstrom...'
May 23rd - 'As Far As You Know'
September 30th - Finally, an update...

So, how are you feeling, Derek? I gotta be honest, most days I feel great, and unless I knew better, I would have no idea that anything was wrong with me. On the 'other' days, however, super-winded climbing steps, dizzy, almost as if I were in heart failure...duh.
I'm still working out, to a point, running/jogging a couple of days a week, maybe a spin class once or twice a week...and tennis. Funny, of all my activities, tennis SHOULD be the easiest on me, but it's not. Played again this morning for 90 minutes and I was a mess for the rest of the day...what the hell? I can rock a spin-class, averaging 210 watts while keeping my HR at or under 130, but tennis drills kick my ass! May need to stay off the court for a bit...
Let's go back a couple of months...mid-December I went to the Cleveland Clinic in Cleveland, OH to visit a cardiologist that specializes in endurance athletes. My story is not one of 'we see runners all the time'...because you don't. Well, maybe you do, but I think the mileage and racing history I carry with me should bring on more of a conversation about what, if any, those years of pounding have to do with my condition.
Spent a couple of days in Cleveland, oh boy, because as has been my experience, there is always 'one more test'...and there was. ...and yet, no new answers. My path includes a new heart/transplant at some point...maybe in 3 months, may not be for 2 years, who knows. What holds me up, and why the doc in CLE asked if he could write a paper on my condition (...wonder if I'll ever see this 'paper'?) is that I'm living with an EF of roughly 17%, yet I can still jump on a treadmill and pound out a stress-test, still managing a vo2 max of 44-46...how? Years of training? ...it makes no sense to most, (but it is what it is, and it keeps me off the 'list', for now.) The way I understand it is that at some point I will deteriorate to the point where I can't walk up a flight of steps...I think at that point, I'll know.
(Outlier, an anomaly...and the word miraculous may have been used when describing my testing...)
Last Monday I had another doctors appointment with my local/rock-star cardiologist because I had a 'spell' while driving...ugh. My EF seems to have stabilized, though I had 2 spikes in my HR in January as detected by my pacemaker/defibrillator...not to the point of my defibrillator going off, but both spikes were up and over 200 HR, though I never felt them. ...and you guessed it, one of the spikes was during tennis. Tennis...really? 
Life itself is good...I seem to have found love and peace, and have a clear understanding of my path and journey. I think a lot about how many years of life I'll have after my transplant...10? 12? 14? Will I be able to walk my daughter down the aisle? Will I get to see her graduate high school and/or college? Some days it's hard to think about, so I don't. 
New love, a new career, and I'd like to think that I did a really nice job of ridding my life of people who were all-consuming and stressful, as the stress really sets me back. ...time for Derek to relax.
So, what a year...I think back to where I was last spring, not understanding why I was always so tired and winded, just thinking I was getting old and out of shape, maybe even flirting with depression, I had no idea I was in heart failure, and reading back my posts from last April through June, I was like a lost puppy. ('The Puppy who lost his way'...a Billy Madison reference. :)

Thanks again for all the love and support...I'm hoping 2019 is not as challenging as 2018, but if it is, I'll be ready. 

Love you all.

Finally, an update...

I know, I know...it's about time I update the blog.
Life has been out of control busy, and it seems like every time I sit down to write about my heart failure, something pops up. But, as life continues to settle down, I'll do my best to update on a regular basis.
I'd like to start by updating my medical condition.
MEDICAL
As many of you know, my last update had me heading back to the Heart Hospital for another right-heart catheterization, a procedure ordered because of my bitching about being dizzy and light-headed from time to time. 'Bring an overnight bag, just in case' were the words of wisdom before I headed in. ...and the way I understood the appointment, if I woke from the procedure and the 'wand' was still in my neck, I was staying overnight...again. Well, as luck would have it, I woke from the procedure in the ICU, catheter/wand still in my neck...numbers not looking hot, apparently.
...then shit gets real.
Now, because this happened mid August, about 6 weeks ago, I'll do my best to remember, but at the end of the day, the memory, at my age, is always iffy.
Procedure was on a Monday...the rest of the day was spent with procedures and talks/meetings about a possible LVAD surgery...joy joy.
Tuesday brought more of the same, with visits from the chaplain, notary to make sure my Health Directive was in order...also met with a gal from insurance, along with 2 women, 1 talking to me about an LVAD, the other wanted to chat about the inevitable heart-transplant.
At some point, the surgeon stopped in to talk abut the LVAD, saying that the surgery would likely happen in 2-3 weeks...wait, what? ...there is NOTHING about the LVAD, or the surgery, that looks like fun, though would maybe give me a new lease on life until I'm ready for a new heart, a 'bridge-to-transplant', so to speak.
Wednesday rolls around, still in the ICU, and the LVAD chatter has faded...more tests, including a colonoscopy and another ultra-sound of the heart/chest/stomach. My ejection fraction still sitting at about 17 percent, at best. Who knew...

My final test was on Thursday was another treadmill stress-test, a runner with elevation. (...was able to get out of ICU today at lunch time)
I'm still not a fan of the mouth-piece I chew on during the test, but I feel comfortable on the treadmill, more than likely from the years of treadmill-intervals.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRg46ZMEQ74
The problem with my results, again, is that my VO2 Max is still sitting at 44ish, piss-poor compared to days-past, but too high to get placed anywhere but near the bottom of a transplant list...
Friday rolls around, and FINALLY, I'm released! Set up with new medication...and honestly, I'm not sure if they know what to do with me. My heart is crap, all the numbers show that, yet my treadmill number is almost too high for a kid in heart failure.
So, LVAD, not yet...new heart, inevitable...
...and to everyone to stopped by to say hey, THANK YOU...the love and support was much appreciated.
PHYSICALLY
Physically...well, physically I still feel pretty good, take away the dizzy spells and being light-headed from time to time.
I still wonder how I would be feeling, or if I would still be alive, had I not driven myself to the ER back in March. I more than likely would have done Leadman, and more than likely would have died in CO. ...looks like I dodged that bullet.
Most days, I feel great. I am responding well to my new medication...and I'm doing my best to drink lots of high-quality H2O and to limit my sodium intake.
Dr. H also asked me to limit my physical activity...walking and/or light spinning...cool, but NO racing or 'working' hard. I'm doing my best, but damn it's hard. Most days I feel good and I really want to ride, and most days I don't, but... (...but imagine getting so out of shape that I run a 1:53 and change half marathon? Hard to think about...)
I'm still doing my best to stay fit...elliptical when I can, light spinning, core...anything as long as the HR doesn't get over 120. 25 mile gravel ride from Gear West mid-October, but I'll roll easy...promise.
Weight is still steady at 192ish...could stand to lose 10-12 pounds before Christmas, though it's hard for me to lose weight without 'working' out.
Lisa has been great with getting me on track with my diet and who knows...180 may soon be the new me!
EMOTIONAL
...boy, where to start. I guess I need to start by thanking SO many of you for all of the support. I have been blessed with SO many amazing friends. ...and to Gabe, Michelle, Renee and Lisa, I'm not sure where I would be without the love. 
What a roller-coaster of emotions over the past 6 weeks. So many days I feel good...some days even GREAT, yet then I get up out of a chair and nearly pass out and remember, I'm in heart failure.
Will there be a tomorrow? Will this be the last Packer game I see? Is this the last phone call to my sister? ...maybe I'll grow old and be able to walk Torun down the aisle...maybe I crap out while walking the dogs tonight...who knows.
...and I always think about why me? Who knows...maybe it's what I deserve? I know I don't deserve the love I'm blessed with... Every morning I wake up next to a beautiful woman and think, did I die during one of my procedures and this is heaven? SO many raw emotions everyday. ...and what do I do with these emotions? Doing my best at doing my best, but as most of you know, I have a hard time getting out of my own way. I am trying my best...
Today is a GOOD day...woke up with a smile, feeling full of life. Some days when I wake, I really beat myself up with the 'I deserve this' attitude, other mornings are somber. Let's ride today for all it's worth...
Thanks again for all the love and support...and remember, I'm Derek Lindstrom, and I can do anything!

Self-titled...

(Tuesday evening...)
I know, I know, quit your bitching...I'm really trying to keep the blog updated, but life has plans for me most days, and frankly, the heart news is more of the same...ugh. I look forward to the day when I can talk about GREAT/NEW news...but alas, not today. 

Not sure if I posted about the heart biopsy that I went through last month...oh joy. The test for cardiac sarcoidosis came back NEGATIVE, which is grand news, though beyond that, just seems like I'm treading water, deteriorating just a tad every week. 
Test was simple in that a catheter was run up from my groin into my heart...from there they snipped a tiny sample of my heart, that's all. I was a mess for a day or 2 after that test...

So, how am I feeling? A solid C+ on most days, though I had a really hard day last Wednesday as I was really out/short of breath all day, to the point of it scaring me. 
Sitting in a movie (Mission Impossible - Fallout, thumbs up!) and at one point my breath was gone, almost to the point of gasping for air...WTF was that? By the next day I was a tad better, and by Friday...all good. I brought this up to doc, who was NOT impressed...soooo, next Monday I will be repeating the Right Heart Catheter test, looking for numbers, though as much I'd like to think that they're looking for improved numbers, I think it's more to see how much I have 'slipped' in 8+ weeks...a prep for the LVAD. Bring that shit on!
(LVAD... Left Ventricular Assist Device)

Speaking with the nurse about my appointment scheduled for Monday, she mentioned I was going to learn all about the LVAD, when/where/why. 
I did my own research (?) on the LVAD, and it's not as simple as I thought it was, it's actually open-heart surgery!  
An LVAD is a surgically implanted mechanical pump that is attached to the heart. An LVAD is different from an artificial heart...an artificial heart replaces the failing heart completely whereas an LVAD works with the heart to help it pump more blood with less work.  It does this by continuously taking blood from the left ventricle and moving it to the aorta, which then delivers oxygen-rich blood throughout the body. (Stole that last paragraph off Google...I obviously don't write THAT well!)

...oh joy. 
So, is this the next step? ...a Bridge to Transplant as it's called, or am I still months away? I guess I'll find out more at my Monday appointment...make sure to pack an overnight bag, she says...wait, what? Again, WTF!

I guess the bigger question should be, how should I be feeling? I suppose that I should assume that now that they want to chat about LVAD and transplant, that I should just wrap my mind around that...embrace the suck. But, should I be sad? Mad? ...should I be crying? I honestly don't know...in a way I feel numb...getting through life day by day, knowing what's down the road. I'm not mad, sad, crabby...just, blah. When you think about it, I should want this done sooner than later...if it's going to happen, bring that shit on NOW...recover and LIVE life!
Surviving/running/racing with an ejection fraction of less than 20% for who knows how long...just imagine the energy/power I'd have with an ejection fraction of 60+ percent...I may be able to get back my KOM (Strava King of the Mountain) crown from Game Farm Road. 
Look out, Jordan Roby...you and I...GFRoad...you may want to taper! :)
...quick back-story. I used to ride a lot out of Gear West in Long Lake, MN...Wednesday night group rides, 25 or 40 mile options. I would usually ride the 40 mile loop, because I could. There is a 3+ mile segment called Game Farm Road later in the ride, and a couple of years ago we got to the start of this section and Jordan, John W. and I just took off, 27+ mph for most of it, taking turns leading. Well, every time it was MY turn to pull, I couldn't...I'd sit back, working as hard as I could, just hanging on, letting Jordan and John do most (all) of the work. As we approached the finish, they were both peetering out, and I threw in a little push and crossed the line first, becoming KOM on the segment via Strava...averaging just shy of 25 mph. That KOM is long gone, BUT, maybe someday I'll be back and ready to toe that line once again...maybe next time I can take my turn pulling when it's time!

Break time...

(Wednesday morning...)
...another quick call from my nurse...more meds, this time to help with the quick weight gain, 8.6 pounds in 2 days? 2 words for you, CHU BBY.

I can tell I am becoming numb to all the procedures, as 2 months ago when I was scheduled for my first Right Heart Catheter test, it was a big deal...now, it's just another procedure, another surgery...again, bring that shit on...I'm Derek Lindstrom, and I can do anything!

Thoughts and prayers, please, as I begin this 'new' chapter, LVAD and transplant discussions...ugh.