Finally, an update...

I know, I know...it's about time I update the blog.
Life has been out of control busy, and it seems like every time I sit down to write about my heart failure, something pops up. But, as life continues to settle down, I'll do my best to update on a regular basis.
I'd like to start by updating my medical condition.
MEDICAL
As many of you know, my last update had me heading back to the Heart Hospital for another right-heart catheterization, a procedure ordered because of my bitching about being dizzy and light-headed from time to time. 'Bring an overnight bag, just in case' were the words of wisdom before I headed in. ...and the way I understood the appointment, if I woke from the procedure and the 'wand' was still in my neck, I was staying overnight...again. Well, as luck would have it, I woke from the procedure in the ICU, catheter/wand still in my neck...numbers not looking hot, apparently.
...then shit gets real.
Now, because this happened mid August, about 6 weeks ago, I'll do my best to remember, but at the end of the day, the memory, at my age, is always iffy.
Procedure was on a Monday...the rest of the day was spent with procedures and talks/meetings about a possible LVAD surgery...joy joy.
Tuesday brought more of the same, with visits from the chaplain, notary to make sure my Health Directive was in order...also met with a gal from insurance, along with 2 women, 1 talking to me about an LVAD, the other wanted to chat about the inevitable heart-transplant.
At some point, the surgeon stopped in to talk abut the LVAD, saying that the surgery would likely happen in 2-3 weeks...wait, what? ...there is NOTHING about the LVAD, or the surgery, that looks like fun, though would maybe give me a new lease on life until I'm ready for a new heart, a 'bridge-to-transplant', so to speak.
Wednesday rolls around, still in the ICU, and the LVAD chatter has faded...more tests, including a colonoscopy and another ultra-sound of the heart/chest/stomach. My ejection fraction still sitting at about 17 percent, at best. Who knew...

My final test was on Thursday was another treadmill stress-test, a runner with elevation. (...was able to get out of ICU today at lunch time)
I'm still not a fan of the mouth-piece I chew on during the test, but I feel comfortable on the treadmill, more than likely from the years of treadmill-intervals.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRg46ZMEQ74
The problem with my results, again, is that my VO2 Max is still sitting at 44ish, piss-poor compared to days-past, but too high to get placed anywhere but near the bottom of a transplant list...
Friday rolls around, and FINALLY, I'm released! Set up with new medication...and honestly, I'm not sure if they know what to do with me. My heart is crap, all the numbers show that, yet my treadmill number is almost too high for a kid in heart failure.
So, LVAD, not yet...new heart, inevitable...
...and to everyone to stopped by to say hey, THANK YOU...the love and support was much appreciated.
PHYSICALLY
Physically...well, physically I still feel pretty good, take away the dizzy spells and being light-headed from time to time.
I still wonder how I would be feeling, or if I would still be alive, had I not driven myself to the ER back in March. I more than likely would have done Leadman, and more than likely would have died in CO. ...looks like I dodged that bullet.
Most days, I feel great. I am responding well to my new medication...and I'm doing my best to drink lots of high-quality H2O and to limit my sodium intake.
Dr. H also asked me to limit my physical activity...walking and/or light spinning...cool, but NO racing or 'working' hard. I'm doing my best, but damn it's hard. Most days I feel good and I really want to ride, and most days I don't, but... (...but imagine getting so out of shape that I run a 1:53 and change half marathon? Hard to think about...)
I'm still doing my best to stay fit...elliptical when I can, light spinning, core...anything as long as the HR doesn't get over 120. 25 mile gravel ride from Gear West mid-October, but I'll roll easy...promise.
Weight is still steady at 192ish...could stand to lose 10-12 pounds before Christmas, though it's hard for me to lose weight without 'working' out.
Lisa has been great with getting me on track with my diet and who knows...180 may soon be the new me!
EMOTIONAL
...boy, where to start. I guess I need to start by thanking SO many of you for all of the support. I have been blessed with SO many amazing friends. ...and to Gabe, Michelle, Renee and Lisa, I'm not sure where I would be without the love. 
What a roller-coaster of emotions over the past 6 weeks. So many days I feel good...some days even GREAT, yet then I get up out of a chair and nearly pass out and remember, I'm in heart failure.
Will there be a tomorrow? Will this be the last Packer game I see? Is this the last phone call to my sister? ...maybe I'll grow old and be able to walk Torun down the aisle...maybe I crap out while walking the dogs tonight...who knows.
...and I always think about why me? Who knows...maybe it's what I deserve? I know I don't deserve the love I'm blessed with... Every morning I wake up next to a beautiful woman and think, did I die during one of my procedures and this is heaven? SO many raw emotions everyday. ...and what do I do with these emotions? Doing my best at doing my best, but as most of you know, I have a hard time getting out of my own way. I am trying my best...
Today is a GOOD day...woke up with a smile, feeling full of life. Some days when I wake, I really beat myself up with the 'I deserve this' attitude, other mornings are somber. Let's ride today for all it's worth...
Thanks again for all the love and support...and remember, I'm Derek Lindstrom, and I can do anything!

Self-titled...

(Tuesday evening...)
I know, I know, quit your bitching...I'm really trying to keep the blog updated, but life has plans for me most days, and frankly, the heart news is more of the same...ugh. I look forward to the day when I can talk about GREAT/NEW news...but alas, not today. 

Not sure if I posted about the heart biopsy that I went through last month...oh joy. The test for cardiac sarcoidosis came back NEGATIVE, which is grand news, though beyond that, just seems like I'm treading water, deteriorating just a tad every week. 
Test was simple in that a catheter was run up from my groin into my heart...from there they snipped a tiny sample of my heart, that's all. I was a mess for a day or 2 after that test...

So, how am I feeling? A solid C+ on most days, though I had a really hard day last Wednesday as I was really out/short of breath all day, to the point of it scaring me. 
Sitting in a movie (Mission Impossible - Fallout, thumbs up!) and at one point my breath was gone, almost to the point of gasping for air...WTF was that? By the next day I was a tad better, and by Friday...all good. I brought this up to doc, who was NOT impressed...soooo, next Monday I will be repeating the Right Heart Catheter test, looking for numbers, though as much I'd like to think that they're looking for improved numbers, I think it's more to see how much I have 'slipped' in 8+ weeks...a prep for the LVAD. Bring that shit on!
(LVAD... Left Ventricular Assist Device)

Speaking with the nurse about my appointment scheduled for Monday, she mentioned I was going to learn all about the LVAD, when/where/why. 
I did my own research (?) on the LVAD, and it's not as simple as I thought it was, it's actually open-heart surgery!  
An LVAD is a surgically implanted mechanical pump that is attached to the heart. An LVAD is different from an artificial heart...an artificial heart replaces the failing heart completely whereas an LVAD works with the heart to help it pump more blood with less work.  It does this by continuously taking blood from the left ventricle and moving it to the aorta, which then delivers oxygen-rich blood throughout the body. (Stole that last paragraph off Google...I obviously don't write THAT well!)

...oh joy. 
So, is this the next step? ...a Bridge to Transplant as it's called, or am I still months away? I guess I'll find out more at my Monday appointment...make sure to pack an overnight bag, she says...wait, what? Again, WTF!

I guess the bigger question should be, how should I be feeling? I suppose that I should assume that now that they want to chat about LVAD and transplant, that I should just wrap my mind around that...embrace the suck. But, should I be sad? Mad? ...should I be crying? I honestly don't know...in a way I feel numb...getting through life day by day, knowing what's down the road. I'm not mad, sad, crabby...just, blah. When you think about it, I should want this done sooner than later...if it's going to happen, bring that shit on NOW...recover and LIVE life!
Surviving/running/racing with an ejection fraction of less than 20% for who knows how long...just imagine the energy/power I'd have with an ejection fraction of 60+ percent...I may be able to get back my KOM (Strava King of the Mountain) crown from Game Farm Road. 
Look out, Jordan Roby...you and I...GFRoad...you may want to taper! :)
...quick back-story. I used to ride a lot out of Gear West in Long Lake, MN...Wednesday night group rides, 25 or 40 mile options. I would usually ride the 40 mile loop, because I could. There is a 3+ mile segment called Game Farm Road later in the ride, and a couple of years ago we got to the start of this section and Jordan, John W. and I just took off, 27+ mph for most of it, taking turns leading. Well, every time it was MY turn to pull, I couldn't...I'd sit back, working as hard as I could, just hanging on, letting Jordan and John do most (all) of the work. As we approached the finish, they were both peetering out, and I threw in a little push and crossed the line first, becoming KOM on the segment via Strava...averaging just shy of 25 mph. That KOM is long gone, BUT, maybe someday I'll be back and ready to toe that line once again...maybe next time I can take my turn pulling when it's time!

Break time...

(Wednesday morning...)
...another quick call from my nurse...more meds, this time to help with the quick weight gain, 8.6 pounds in 2 days? 2 words for you, CHU BBY.

I can tell I am becoming numb to all the procedures, as 2 months ago when I was scheduled for my first Right Heart Catheter test, it was a big deal...now, it's just another procedure, another surgery...again, bring that shit on...I'm Derek Lindstrom, and I can do anything!

Thoughts and prayers, please, as I begin this 'new' chapter, LVAD and transplant discussions...ugh. 

Re-cap and Updates

Happy Monday...July 16th, 2018.
It's been a titch over a month since I last posted...life has been so crazy over the past month, with SO much going on, I'm not even sure where to start.
Let's go back a sec to where it all started...March 3rd and the 'bump in the road' along with my first blog post back on March 12th.
FIRST BLOG POST

...since then, I've had a set-back or 3, with test after test, including a stay at Mayo for a spell for more testing.
Last week I received a call from my cardiologists office, just checking in, trying to find out how I was feeling. 'Tired, lethargic with frequent bouts of being light-headed'...well let's get you in a for a quick check-up...I see you have a pace-maker appointment on Friday, let's do it then.
Quick lab draw, then a meeting with a NP named Meghan...she was a rock-star, though wasn't really digging my answers or results so ordered another diagnostic cardiac ultrasound.
Results showed an ejection fraction of 17%...ugh...with no noticeable improvement :(  ...and a possible clot in my left ventricle...same old pesky clot, or is this one new?  
Not many other changes...blood pressure still too low to 'medicate', 86/52ish, and they tweaked my PMaker, trying to elevate my HR quicker. None of that makes any sense to me, so I just roll with it. They have adjusted me so my resting doesn't go below 70, and my max is either set at 170, or 200, though I haven't been able to get it above 165 in testing, or biking on my own.

So what's next? Well tomorrow is a big day...after the news from last Friday, they asked me come in on Tuesday (tomorrow) for a heart biopsy...doesn't that sound like fun! Sounds like they'll insert a catheter into the right side of my neck, again, and go in through an artery to my heart and take some heart samples...really? Wait, what? You're going to do what? ...make it sound so easy, just an hour long procedure, but this test really bugs me, and I'm not sure why.



...and yes, I'm back to shots in the stomach...joy, joy.

This past month has been an emotional/trying month for me to say the least...and the 'unknown' is so hard on me! I've been told no running, and when I ride, NOTHING over 120 HR...ugh. To a guy who thrives off working hard, it's really hard to handle, but it's something I need to do if I have any chance of getting better, or any chance of getting a new heart down the road, if that's the journey.
...but wow, it's hard!  
Emotional also as it pertains to life...life has always been a struggle, and now, even with NEW love, I feel lost...what to do, where to go, what's my next step?  ...there are some days...
My trip to Mayo was a bit of a disappointment, thinking I would get some concrete answers while I was there, but all they could offer was a 'confirmation' that they believe I tested positive for cardiac sarcoidosis as well...a diagnosis I heard from the Heart Hospital earlier, so I will keep my care at the HH...the docs and nurses there have been amazing. I was reaching...

...so, tomorrow, ugh...I'll be sure to blog and/or post my thoughts on the procedure, but I'm not jumping for joy to get it done, and I'm not sure why...I'm Derek Lindstrom, and I can do anything, but some days, I'm a flipping-pansy!

Dumb

Happy Monday fellow campers...hope you had an amazing weekend. I spent Sunday in Duluth just hiking, taking in the beautiful day...and beautiful it was.
I left the cities early Sunday morning so I could sit on the beach at Park Point and watch the sunrise...then off to trek through town before a quick 20,000 step hike at Gooseberry.
My favorite part of Gooseberry is to follow the river bed of Nelson's Creek to the cove at the lake...but the river was too high/moving for me this time. Hiking alone with a heart condition is already cause for concern...only so many risks.
Saturday I was able to make my way out to watch some amazing athletes compete in the Liberty Triathlon...really started to pour and the race was cut short, but it sure was nice to see some great friends competing...you guys all rock! ...and to finally meet Erik, fellow Leadman...dude, remember, it's all about getting your ass out of the chair!  Good luck!

Who knew I would end up enjoying blogging about my journey as much as I do...very relaxing, and I can speak/swear the way I want...but, I really appreciate the feedback.
I sound depressed; I'm doing too much; I sound redundant; I am strong...sounds like everybody interprets my writings differently...cool. ...and honestly, my vibe can change at the drop of a hat.

So, I know what you're all waiting for, results from Friday's follow-up doctors appointment.
The news was not what I was hoping for, but I was not surprised, and I am cool with it.
I went alone, which is always scary, as most of the words I can't understand, so my small 'guy' brain hears what it wants to hear. ...and here is what it heard.

I rocked my stress test the previous Friday...duh. VO2 max was rock solid...again, duh. ...let's move on. 
The PET/radiation CT scan thing I took on Wednesday, looking for traces of cardiac sarcoidosis... 

Cardiac sarcoidosis is a rare condition which affects a small number of people who suffer from a condition called sarcoidosis – an inflammatory condition that can affect multiple organs.

What Is Cardiac Sarcoidosis?

Cardiac sarcoidosis is a rare disease in which clusters of white blood cells, called granulomas, form in the tissue of the heart. Any part of the heart can be affected, though these cell clusters most often form in the heart muscle where they can interfere with the heart’s electrical system (conduction defects) and cause irregular heartbeats (arrhythmias). Cardiac sarcoidosis can also result in heart failure.

The disease tends to affect younger people, generally between 25 and 45 years old.

Most people diagnosed with cardiac sarcoidosis also have granulomas in other organs of the body, most commonly in the lungs (pulmonary sarcoidosis). 

Well, joy joy, test came back positive...what the fuck? Now I have cardiac sarcoidosis as well? I thought this test was more of a formality...double damn. ...tells me to get to an optometrist and get my eyes checked, as CD can mess with sight as well...I guess? Dumb.
Cause? Treatment? ...I have no idea...she lost me at 'positive'. ...but, it's not cool.

But wait, it gets better. We got chatting about the stress test and how the nurse reading the test, as I was finishing, (Comma? No Comma?) said 'did you feel that?'...circling a spot on the print-out. Nope, I didn't feel anything.
That concerned look came over the face of my cardiologist when she heard this and left, only to come back with another doc, another nurse and some guy with a computer/cart. This guy can read my pace/maker with this computer mouse dealio... Well, it looks like in the past 2 weeks I had 6 'spells' where my heart spikes, couple of times as high as 255, for a period of time...coming close to the defibrillator going off...? What? Isn't this why I have the PM, so this shit DOESN'T happen?
From what I understand, which isn't a lot, (Can we say dumb?) if my heart goes crazy over 200, the number my defib. is set at, it has a 'grace period' before the defib. shocks the shit out of me (Sorry so graphic...), though I don't know if it was 14 beats, or 14 seconds...again, dumb.
...and it's funny, a while back I talked about this long walk I did FROM the hospital, mainly 'cuz I was pissed, well 2 of the spells happened early in that walk. What?

So hear I sit, Monday morning, ready to attack another week, STILL not knowing what the fuck is going on. ...though I am now on 800mg of amiodarone to, well, I don't know what the hell it's supposed to do.

So no, I'm NOT depressed; I am NOT doing too much...and if I sound redundant, FU. ...and strong? What does that even mean? Some days I look at myself as a pansy, some days I feel like I can kick Bautista's ass...some days, blah...BUT, I'll keep at it... 

This upcoming weekend is going to be tough. Friday is/was supposed to be a 5 year anniversary (?), and Saturday is the Leadville Marathon, race 1 in the Leadman series...won't be toeing THAT start line...THIS year! ...may need a 30 pack of Busch Light for this weekend :) (...water, as Jen P. calls it.)

I had thought about asking doc for some Zolft, but I've got this shit. I'm Derek Lindstrom, and I can do anything!

Make someone smile today!

Identity

i·den·ti·ty

ˌīˈden(t)ədē/

noun

noun: identity; plural noun: identities

1. 1.

   the fact of being who or what a person or thing is.

I've been thinking hard about identity recently, and what it means...and what is becoming of MY identity?

I'm becoming more lost by the day, not being able to run after so many years, and so many miles... I was known as a runner, I felt like a runner for many years. 

Now, I'm just a guy, and some days, not a very good one. 

A friend of mine recently said I need to focus on being a good coach and a better father...is that my identity? I find myself questioning who I am...

I was able to talk to a another friend in depth tonight about her cancer, how she traveled the road alone, and what SHE did to get herself out of bed every morning during and after...it's hard. 

At the time, she felt the same way that I do right now...questioning why, why me, why am I getting out of bed. But, she got through, one day at a time, with the help of friends and family, and now she's rocking life...so there IS hope for me!

Can we talk about today's adventure? Ugh...the scheduled PET Cardiac Sarcoid Study.

This test involves pumping my body full of radiation and then shoving me into a CT 'tube', looking for sarcoidosis in and around the heart...don't ask. 

I was ushered into the dreaded CT room around 8... Insert IV, a quick 15 minutes in the tube, I believe to just get a baseline. "Have they told you how big your heart is?" ...why yes they have, thank you...dick. 

Brings me back to a small personalized room, get's me comfy, then shoots me full of radiation, along with a couple of vials of saline...then asks me to sit there for 2 hours...really? 

At the end of my 2 hours/prison, I'm brought back to the CT room and placed back in the tube for another 15 minutes...REPEAT. 

Results? I won't find out anything until Friday when I meet with my cardiologist.

Last Friday I completed a stress-test on a treadmill at the Heart Institute...I think I crushed it, but what does that mean? With an ejection fraction of @15 I can still dominate the treadmill...that bitch was smoking, I was working it so hard...well, maybe not, BUT, I thought the test went well...I did my best. Speed wasn't killer, but the elevation, wow. Started at 10% with nominal speed, though every 3 minutes they bumped up, both elevation AND speed. When I finally 'gave-in', I think I was running at 22% elevation...HR stuck at 164/165, VO2 max was solid...BOOM.

But what does that even mean? I've done a similar test so many times, I knew HOW to work, and when...and being a pretty tough/stubborn kid, I knew I could hang on...which I did.

I guess we'll get those results on Friday as well.

Am I going to get a clean bill of health and I'll be told maybe I can start running again? No...BUT, maybe the tests will show that I'm efficient enough to live at 15%...hell, I don't even know what I'm talking about...again, lost. Friday.

I think where I'm at, nobody knows what to do with me, so I think the tests are more to cross 'possibilities' off the list. I don't believe I have cardiac sarcoidosis, but let's find out, and if not, we can cross it off the list.

What's next? Bring that shit on, 'cause I'm Derek Lindstrom, and I can do anything!

'As Far As You Know'

'As Far As You Know'...it's a song I'm working on. I'll post when it's done.
It's been a trying time for me, as you could imagine...though I'm doing my best to get by. I found myself crabby and emotional again today, I think partly because it's starting to sink in that I'll probably never run/race again...maybe an easy marathon down the road, but to lay it on the line at a 10 miler or half-marathon, yea, those days are done, and that makes me sad.
I think back to some of my best/favorite runs...the 1988 Big Bay Relay...our team got beat, though we ran 2:00:46 for the marathon distance for the runner-up spot, and I averaged 4:27 for my five 1 mile legs (We would go on to win 1989-2003, though our 1988 time was as fast as we could run...); 2008 when I ran the Lumber Jack Days 10 Miler in Stillwater in a solid time of 1:02 and change to finish the year with 18th fastest AG time in MN (45-49)...what makes that run insane? I was pushing Torun in a baby-jogger! Yep, WE ran 6:15 pace...one of those days when I was just 'on'! ...let's not forget the 2006 Baton Rouge Beach Marathon (3:04 and Master's win) or the 2013 Marquette Marathon (20 mile split about 2:20). What do these 2 races have in common? I was in piss-poor shape for them both, yet was able to get in a groove (with the help of some killer tunes), put my head down and just work through the shit the races brought me. Proud of my effort in them both.
In some ways I guess you could say I'm at peace with it, because frankly, I was having a hard time getting myself motivated to train the way I liked, which was all about pounding, ...it just would have been easier to go out on MY terms, not dictated by a bad tick-tocker. 

So as you know, I had another procedure last week, the Right Heart Catheterization...joy joy.
Show up on Thursday around noon, check myself in and get prepped. This is supposed to be an easy deal, just run a catheter through my neck into my heart...that's it. ...and frankly, it was pretty uneventful, though I don't remember much, more the waiting around as they found a spot for me. 
I knew, however, that the later they kept pushing my procedure out, the better the chance I would stay overnight, again...and sure enough, I don't head in until 4 or so. Fuck, another hospital stay, at least give me some good news?

...and YES, good news, well, better than I HAVE been getting, but my cardiac index number was at 2.9 (On a scale of 2.6-4.0) ...so, I'm on the chart! ...however, another heart ultrasound brought me back to earth...2 words, UG LY. 
So who knows what the hell is going on...seems like everyone is still hinting at a new heart at some point, but I think they want to try a few things first. And by a 'few things', try this...my resting HR HAD been 38 when I first was admitted in March, then 2 weeks ago they set my pacemaker at a minimum of 45, meaning that at night, that bastard is running, keeping me at 45. So now, I guess, it was time to take a gamble, and maybe I'm ready, I don't know...but they now have my minimum HR set at 70! Yep, 70...that's like spinning or walking type HR...now it's my resting as well. I even asked my cardiologist if that seemed a bit radical...'What's the worst that can happen...' Well, good point, I guess?
How have I been feeling with the new HR? Honestly, not much different...I still need to nap, I still get dizzy getting off the couch or out of bed...out of breath a lot and tired walking up stairs, but my heart is warm...
(Though on Sunday I rode 28 miles on the MTB on the Regional trail and felt solid, though was pretty beat up on Monday...maybe not one of my brightest moves...)
...nap break...
Woke this morning more at peace than what I was feeling last night, even after only 3 hours of sleep. Last night I was crabby, ANGRY, lonely...ready to beat the shit out of somebody, anybody! 
This feeling of feeling 'lost' really sucks, though I need to keep my health in perspective, as there are a LOT of people who are in a much tougher spot than me. 
This morning I'm thinking more about today's doctors appointment, trying to make/keep a list of 'issues' to bring with me...let's hope I get good news.

Fingers crossed.

Can I?

I'm sitting here, 1:40 in the morning, wide awake...listening to some amazing music, thoughts of an appointment I had on Wednesday that I can't get rid of, or thoughts I don't want to remember.
If anything good will come from this journey I'm on, it's the fact that I'm getting back to the arts...writing more, listening to more music...I even penned my first song the other night...I'll post it soon.
As many of you know, I'm a music junkie, listening to whatever/whenever...live dive bar, or vinyl...I have no preference, but I like what I like. I posted a song on my Facebook page earlier today...a stripped down version of I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) by Sleeping At Last. Haunting...definitely worth a listen.
So, I had another appointment today. This was supposed to happen NEXT Wednesday, but because of my lack of energy and feeling overly lethargic, they moved me up to today/yesterday...I guess since it's past 12, we'll call it yesterday.
I ended up meeting with a doc from the heart failure/transplant team at the Minneapolis Heart Institute at Abbott Northern Hospital. ...he was pretty clear about things, what HE sees, what the team is thinking, but I was impressed that he knew all about my 'case'.
Much of what he said I don't understand, but what was clear is that they are still not diggin' what is going on, SO, at noon-ish on Thursday I will be heading back in for more fun. This time, (...ready for this?) they will perform a Right Heart Catheterization and I'll get a chance to meet with the transplant and LVAD nurses. Wait, what?
The procedure seems easy enough...after an ultrasound on my heart, they'll put me under, but not all the way under, and from what I gather, they'll run a catheter from the right side of my neck down to my heart and my...I forgot that part.
Stolen from Google: 'In a right-heart cath, your doctor guides a special catheter (a small, hollow tube) called a pulmonary artery (PA) catheter to the right side of your heart. He then passes the tube into your pulmonary artery. This is the main artery that carries blood to your lungs.'

Right Heart Catheterization

Well joy joy, doesn't that sound like a hoot.
Sounds like they're looking for heart function? But it sure looks like another overnight stay...I may as well just move in soon!
Three scenarios: 
A - Everything looks good, and maybe I go home soon after, or maybe just a quick 1 night stay. 
2 - I'm iffy-iffy, then I'll likely spend a couple days while they tinker with things.
D - I'm screwed, and I end up getting put on a transplant fast-track. Again, what?
Not sure if we're at THAT point yet, but I am already packed as if I'm staying for at least one night, if not a few. 

'How are you doing, Derek?' Well, honestly, this sucks ass. I don't think the initial shock from March 3rd has even sunk in, and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to be handling things. I feel like I have a clear head, a warm heart, but I get mad, I get sad, and I find myself crying a lot. If not for the support of friends and family, not sure where I'd be. Tonight has been particularly hard...
Why would this happen to me? I'm still thinking that maybe charts were mixed up at some point and that I have the green light to race...one minute I'm training for Leadman, the next thing I know I'm meeting with transplant nurses...WHY???
Life has been SO hard on me, (...or maybe I've made it hard on myself) ...what happens if I don't get the news I want today or Friday, then what? 'You're strong, Derek...you can do this!'...can I? 

Eyes Wide Open

Sorry about the long delay between blog posts. I'm trying to do a better job, keeping you abreast of my current health status, but life keeps getting in the way.
Like you, I'm still in a bit of shock that my heart isn't digging my body any longer, but honestly, after the way I treated it for so long...so many races, so many times pushing it to the limit, I wouldn't like me either. But I'm Derek Lindstrom...if anything, I was going to be taken down by cancer, or HIV, or die a fiery death doing something dumb...but my heart? Fuck...
Let's go back to Friday May 4th, my latest appointment with my cardiologist at the Heart Institute...just a quick chat about the findings of the Holter monitor I wore for 48 hours in April...I was sure the results would be cool, after all, it had been 3-4 weeks since I wore the damn thing. 
Expecting goods news, but knowing how things have been going, I was ready...but was I really?
Turns out the monitor highlighted that my heart 'paused' 74 times during that 48 hours...some brief, some 3 seconds long, with the longest being 3.6 seconds...? 
Have to be honest here, over those 48 hours, I felt great...just an easy at home weekend...no crazy workouts, no drinking, no fights (I know, surprising to me as well...)...sounds like the heart quit on me over and over...bastard.
"What does this mean, doc?" ...turns out she wanted to admit me, NOW, late afternoon on Friday, so they can keep a close eye (...and monitor) on me over the weekend so I can be ready for surgery on Monday where I'll get a Medtronic defibrillator and pacemaker combo-pack...what? But I have plans this weekend? ...um, no you don't. 
I debate, saying I'll be fine at home...she has Michaela call me and ask me to please stay. (Michaela, if you don't know, is a dear friend and advocate of mine...helping me with appointments, and helping me realize how dumb it is to go home right now...) ...and Jen, who came with me to this appointment, promised to stay with me over the weekend if I stayed.
So I stay, admitted on Friday. (...but not before Jen broke me out of the joint for a few minutes to grab Panera!)
The weekend is a bit of a blur to me...still not even sure what I'm doing there...I feel fine...well except for the dizziness and crazy resting heart rate...other than that, I'm fine.
Friday night the HR gets down to 31, Saturday night down to 27...what? And in true Derek-form, I wanted to know what the record was...25? I can do that...? Still a joke to me until my eyes are opened on Sunday.
Sunday brought more blood 'donating' (Is there any left?) and an ultrasound/EKG thing...well this should be fun. On my side, jellied-up, the 'test-administrator', though I'm sure he has a title, uses one of those ultrasound 'balls' that they used on Tiffany's belly when she was pregnant with Torun, only this time it's there to show me pictures of my heart...he measured, drew tangents, explained what my heart was/wasn't doing. "See here where the heart looks like it's not doing/pumping anything at all? That's because it's not." Nice, thanks...dick. :)
Later that afternoon I meet with my cardiologist where she said the results show an ejection fraction now at 10-20%, they called it 15...why don't they call it 19, or even 20, I don't know...15 it is...surgery it is.
How am I feeling? Well, Saturday and Sunday both I walked the halls for over 4 hours...30,000+ steps each day...obsessed? ...still feeling good, and if I hadn't seen the pics of heart, I could argue that I'm ready to go home.
Surgery eventually gets moved to first thing Tuesday morning...but I'm ready. Shaved, prepped, IV, no underpants under my gown, I'm ready to rumble...I'm wheeled into surgery, and then...I'm out.
...and honestly, that's all I remember. I wake to a room full of docs and nurses, and a big bandage on the left side of my upper chest. Guess that was it...but man, I could use the pain-killers, like, NOW!
(Such a pansy...) I get through the rest of the day, drowsy, Jen still there, but I feel like I got hit by a truck. Nauseous, dizzy, tired...I guess I'm not walking the halls today :(

The rest of the week went by so quick...I'm released early Wednesday, Uber home and nap like I've never napped before. I'm sore, nauseous and lonely the rest of Wednesday/Thursday, and made the mistake thinking I was ready to drive on Friday. I made it about 5 minutes driving until I had to stop on the side of the road and vomit...guess I wasn't ready.



So it's Sunday night...I had surgery 5 days ago, and honestly, besides the soreness around the site, maybe a light headache, I feel great! They set my pacemaker to never go below 45, and I know it's too early to tell anything, but I seem to be sleeping better, like I have more air...not even sure how to explain it, almost the opposite of being short of breathe? I'll update you soon after I have a better grasp of what/how I'm feeling post surgery, but so far, thumbs up.
Next step? I still have a bumpy road ahead, but for now, I feel safe knowing that 'I am Derek Lindstrom, and I can do anything!'

Reflection...

It's been 8 weeks...still not a lot of answers, but life is moving on.

I think at some point I was supposed to go through the 7 steps of grief/mourning, whatever they call it, but I feel like I am still in denial...maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and everything will be fine. ...well my ride today was a wake-up call.

The weekend before my stroke (Saturday Feb. 24th) I ran 14 miles...not fast, 8:37 average on a moderately hilly route...felt rock-solid for a guy who hasn't put in a lot of miles over the past 6 months, but getting out to run 14 miles has never been a problem, and it wasn't on this day either.

4 days later I really struggled on a simple hill workout...just chalked it up to being fat and out of shape. Should have listened to my body...3 days later I had my stroke.

Since that time, I really haven't felt bad. The pills seem to be kicking my ass and I seem to have lost a few pounds...but I am still power-walking 6 miles at a crack (Even sneaking in some light 'jogging' during those walks...shhhh) and riding 1-2.5 hours at least 5 times per week...not hard riding, but pushing maybe a tad more than I should.

It was SO nice out today that I decided to ride into work, an 8.5 mile route that I have done before, and holy shit, what a fucking train-wreck. From the first pedal stroke, I had zero power, almost like I haven't been on a bike in years. Medicine catching up with me? Maybe I've been doing too much (Boo)...or maybe...? Rode home after work and was sure not to push it, and I did feel better on the trip home, but wow, this morning sucked...

It's been a night of reflection, both in my personal life, and as an athlete.

As most of you know, I am an open book, wearing my heart on my sleeve...to a fault on occasion. Well you know what, life isn't always a rose garden...life sucks sometimes, and this is one of those times.

Why would this happen to ME? I'm Derek Lindstrom... Is this another test?  ...and if so, to what end?  Does God know that I AM a fighter, so maybe it's easier to put this on MY shoulders rather than someone else? Or is this something I deserve for years of maybe not being the nicest guy? Who knows...but it sucks ass.

No running? Ok, I can live with that...for now. I've run my share of miles/races...maybe it's time for someone else to win :) ...but the ride this morning was hard...what if I take a step back and start struggling doing simple things like power-walking, or riding a bike? Fuck, it's just riding a bike!

During my ride this morning I glanced down to the TomTom at one point...7.8 mph...? What? 7.8? You're a sad piece of shit, Derek Lindstrom! I used to RUN that fast!

I think back to only 3 years ago...I really wanted to run the NYC Marathon, and the only way to get in, as using the lottery system is next to impossible, is to run a qualifying time. So, I design a 7 week training plan, head down to San Antonio for the RNR Half Marathon, only needing a 1:32 to get in on an 'elite' bib, and qualify with time to spare...that's how easy it has been for years. Stay fit, and when it's time to race, run through a short training cycle and show up. So, to struggle on an 8 mile bike ride, fuck.

Am I swearing too much? I'm finding myself with a little more love in my 'broken' heart, but I also find myself with a bit of a 'harsh' side now as well...maybe I need the 7 steps?

1. SHOCK & DENIAL
2. PAIN & GUILT
3. ANGER & BARGAINING
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS
5. THE UPWARD TURN
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE

I think back to my first marathon in 1981...or my first 50 mile trail run in 1989 (On 3 days notice...). Racing in Europe; my first 24 hour mountain bike race; my first Ironman...just go out and do it. Toe the line, race hard and see how you stack up. It was never really that I wanted to win more than the guy next to me, because we all want to win, but I HATED to lose...more than the guy next to me! 

...and in the end, maybe that attitude bit me in the ass?

Life has been a battle for me for so long, but I always had my running/racing. I could use a long run or ride as an escape, my time to just get out. Some people meditate, some smoke weed...I would just run. How do I handle the stress of life now?

"I'm Derek Lindstrom, and I can do anything!"

#WhoKnew
First, thanks for taking a few minutes to stop by my blog. I have had this blog for the past 8+ years, using it only occasionally as I was training for the 'next big race'...a race that never seemed to happen.
I've run/raced a lot...110 marathons, Ironman, probably nearly 700+ races in total, but over the past 5+ years, I truly have found myself searching for a race, a meaning.
I honestly thought that Leadman 2018 was going to be IT. I was excited, motivated...threw down my $855 to enter. Was training at a D+/C- level for most of the fall/winter, having limited energy to get out. Motivation, none. Always tired with an excuse. What a lazy piece of shit, I would call myself.

Fast forward to Saturday March 3rd, 2018, in Stillwater picking up Torun from swim practice, standing in the lobby of Stillwater Jr. when all of a sudden I felt odd, really light headed, to the point where I needed to lean against a wall so I didn't fall over. No arm movement and couldn't speak, though I was coherent, enough so that I could see and hear Torun, but I had no movement...I'm sure all the swim-moms I was with thought I was drunk. Lasted maybe a minute or so but gradually got feeling and such back, but what the hell was that? "You ok, papa?"  Still not feeling the best a couple of hours later, I drove myself to the ER, just to make sure I was OK to drive.
Park Nicollet in Burnsville, nope, they send me across the parking lot to Fairview where they run me through a hula hoop looking MRI...nothing. "Let's try one more test...", I hate when they say that. Well this MRI shows a dissection(?) in the back of my neck, a tear that could have been pooling blood, or where a clot had formed and let loose, possibly causing a minor stroke, but we need more tests. So, off by ambulance I go, to Fairview Southdale, for the night.
The next morning I'm treated to numerous texts...another MRI, labs...so much blood drawn, good god. Ready for this? "Let's try one more test..." Ugh.
This test, a TEE, gets me put out for just a minute, placed on my side and they shove some tube down my esophagus to take a peak at my heart...I came to not knowing they had done anything. My kind of test :)
Now I'm not sure when I got results, whether it was Sunday or Monday, but at least I got news. Severe scaring in the heart, a severely dilated left ventricle, a 6x8 thrombus (clot) in the LV...and an ejection fraction of 23%...
I think basically what he was saying is that "You're screwed!"...wait, what?

So here I sit, Thursday April 12th, 2018, with no other news. I've seen 3 cardiologists and a neurologist, with 4 different conclusions. I found a cardiologist at the Heart Institute in Minneapolis that I really like, so I will listen to her...and her advice is to first get an ICD implanted, more to keep me alive in case the ticker stops. The ICD will jump start it, as I understand it. 
After the ICD, it's time for a biopsy to take a tiny chunk of the heart to see what the scaring looks like. After which they will do what they can to get my EF number up, (I'd take a 35 at this point) and if not, well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
#WhoKnew

So, I could use a quick prayer from time to time. I want to grow old to see the kids graduate from high school, to get married...maybe get back to the point where I can jog with them, though those days may be done :(

Yea, no running and only easy riding. I'm on blood thinners to help with the clotting, and I think they're afraid I may fall down, get a cut and bleed out...? Don't they know who I am? I'm Derek Lindstrom...I don't fall :)

That attitude, which has worked well for me for years..."I'm Derek Lindstrom, and I can do anything!" ...an attitude needed to race well, to push through another hard workout. I remember riding with the Gear West Tri Team June of 2016, a ride that I will always remember, as will Jordan Roby. I show up ready to rumble, pushing the pace from the start, a KOM on Game Farm Road, and I pushed hard for 40+ miles...pushing, pushing, pushing, and I remember telling myself a couple of times on that ride, when I was going to be dropped, that "I'm Derek Lindstrom, and I can do this...I can pound these guys into the ground!"
Worked well THAT day, and on too many runs to count over the years...well, that attitude may have sucked the life out of me. So many times over the past few years I would suck up a workout, push through, pound, push, whether I had the energy to pound or not...turns out I did not, and that I was struggling because I was sick. But how was I to know? I assumed I was just getting older and losing motivation...turns out I was tired and struggling because my IF was half of that of other runners/riders. ...suppose that should make me feel better, but it doesn't.

Gotta run now, but I hope you take time to pop in and read from time to time...it's going to be a battle, both physically AND emotionally. Reading that almost 40% of patients with heart issues such as mine run into depression, well I'm not going to let that happen...I'm Derek Lindstrom, for crying out loud!