Race Update - Leadville/Big Bay Relay

Finally, an updated blog...it's been a crazy few months, but life is beginning to settle down.
Yes, Leadman is still happening. Not sure what I'm thinking, racing 5 times at altitude while in heart failure...but what's the worst that can happen, right?
Here is the summer Leadman schedule:
June 15th - Leadville Trail Marathon
July 7th - Silver Rush 5O MTB
August 10th - Leadville 1OO MTB
August 11th - Leadville 1OK Trail Run
August 17th/18th - Leadville 1OO Trail Run
I know, what in the hell am I thinking? Here is my logic...I am still rolling in heart failure, though it seems like I've stabilized a bit...my ejection fraction is still sitting around 17% and my VO2 Max hasn't moved much. Last summer during 2 treadmill stress tests, I recorded a 46 and a 44...well as of today, I'm still sitting at 42 (According to my Garmin)...so why not roll the dice, while I still can, and put that book-end to my running career? ...after a heart transplant, from what I understand, it will take a while to get back to exercising, and even then, it's going to be slow, and a 'Leadman' type race, where I have to hit performance/time cut-offs, will more than likely not happen again. Sure, maybe someday I'll be able to jog a marathon again, or do a triathlon (If the sport is still around...) but the days of qualifying for Kona, or Boston...or Leadman, will be done. So lace up the shoes this summer, toe the fucking line, race hard/race smart...roll the dice and see what happens!

Not all that worried about the marathon on June 15th...Lisa is running this one with me...or the 50 MTB in July...just looking for a comfortable finish. The 100 MTB on the other hand, could be a battle. Now granted, I haven't been biking all that much, maybe 3 times/about 80 miles per week, but I seem to have minimal power...whether on the trainer at LifeTime or on the roads. I definitely don't have much climbing power, or power riding into the wind...but I've been doing my best getting my workouts in. Some days they click, others suck ass... The 1OK, the day after the 1OO MTB, no worries...but then 6 days later, it's time for the big-dance. 1OO miles of UG LY trail running. Honestly, not sure how I'm gonna pull this race out of my ass, but what I always fall back on...I'm Derek Lindstrom, and this is NOT my first rodeo. It will NOT be easy, but life hasn't been easy...100+ of my 110 marathons have not been easy...this is just one more race, likely one of my/if not my last race...I'm going to enjoy the shit out of it, as much as I can, I guess :) 
I'm still in talks with a group about doing a short film on my training/racing journey. This Friday I have an interview with my local newspaper, and I've also picked up a few really nice sponsors that will help a lot over the summer. 
KT Tape jumped on board with merchandise to help, and wow...seems like I'm held together with KT Tape...working wonders on this old body!
...I also got in as a Hive ambassador with Honey Stinger Nutrition...hands down the best tasting gel/chew/waffle brand. The chews and gels are staples for my training nutrition and will be in Leadville this summer. The waffles I need to be careful with...so yummy, though if there are 8 of them in the house, I'll eat 7 and save Lisa 1...waffle/gel/waffle sandwich, oh my! 
The support is amazing! Hoping for a movie party this fall, proceeds and awareness to organ donation...
Pacers and crew all set for Leadville...we have lodging and dog sitters for all the races. I feel like the race series has taken over parts of my life, but I know if I don't put in the work, it could get ugly(er).
Speaking of ugly, I took a nasty spill running downhill at Afton State Park about 4 weeks ago...not sure if I cracked some ribs and/or sternum, but it still hurts to breathe deep...makes for some interesting workouts. I know, I should probably go and see someone, but frankly, I've seen my share of doctors over the past 14 months...ugh.
Also, about 6 weeks ago I had another scare...this time it was a pesky clot that broke free from my heart and got stuck in my left arm...so, another 3 days in the hospital...joy joy. Then 2 weeks ago, another stay to work on a sleep study...another long story. I get those results tomorrow morning. Hoping for a CPAP machine to help me sleep deep...but we'll see. It's always something.
Speaking of racing, this upcoming Saturday I will be racing the Big Bay Relay in Marquette, MI with 4 high school buddies. I have run this race 17 times, the first time was in 1980. I think I was on the winning team 14 times, including in 1988 when I averaged 4:37 for my five 1 mile legs. This year there will be NO 4:37 miles...if I can run 6:37 I'll be elated. For BBR training, I've done a couple of quick speed-work sessions on the treadmill over the last couple of weeks, and those went well...12 x :45 at 9.5 with .5 elevation with 1:15 jog recoveries. Not crazy fast, but it got the legs moving again... Saturday, five 1 mile legs with @25 minute breaks...SO looking forward to it!
I was really confused after my first speed session last week...I'm in heart failure...hell, there are a lot of people with an EF of 17% who can't walk, let alone run and need an LVAD or heart asap. Me? I get on the tread and pound out 12 x :45...how? It's confusing for me...can I do more? Should I be doing more? Am I going to collapse and die during a session? I just don't understand. Some of my easy trail runs just don't go well, and I feel as if I am deteriorating, yet I get on the tread and rock out some speed... WTH!
Today for speed, I rode my bike to the club (about 23 minutes each way) did my speed then rode home. What the hell am I doing...yet the speed makes me feel ALIVE, and I love that feeling!

I think I've done a pretty good job dealing with life and keeping things light, knowing that there is not much I can do besides smile, continue to work hard...and when it's time for a heart, then it's time. 3 months? 6 Months? 18 months? Who knows...but I am NOT going to sit back and just wait, I am going to continue to enjoy life, enjoy loved ones and family...but some days it's not easy. Some days I still sit back and think 'why me'? ...but, why NOT me? 

I'll be sure to post race results this weekend :)

One Year Anniversary...

Good golly, what a year. March 3rd is the 1 year anniversary of my stroke, maybe not my first stroke, but the one that brought me into the ER and was the beginning of my journey.  
Here I sit, 1 year later, at peace with the past year, and at peace with the road ahead. Bumpy? It will be, but good god, 'I'm Derek Lindstrom', and I can do anything.
For those of you just tuning in, welcome! I reinvented my training blog to include my health 'issues', and to date, it's been viewed over 13,000 times! THANK YOU for all of the support, and I'm sorry it's been a spell since my last post. 

Recap?  First, here are the most viewed posts from 2018...
April 12th, 2018 - 'I'm Derek Lindstrom...'
May 23rd - 'As Far As You Know'
September 30th - Finally, an update...

So, how are you feeling, Derek? I gotta be honest, most days I feel great, and unless I knew better, I would have no idea that anything was wrong with me. On the 'other' days, however, super-winded climbing steps, dizzy, almost as if I were in heart failure...duh.
I'm still working out, to a point, running/jogging a couple of days a week, maybe a spin class once or twice a week...and tennis. Funny, of all my activities, tennis SHOULD be the easiest on me, but it's not. Played again this morning for 90 minutes and I was a mess for the rest of the day...what the hell? I can rock a spin-class, averaging 210 watts while keeping my HR at or under 130, but tennis drills kick my ass! May need to stay off the court for a bit...
Let's go back a couple of months...mid-December I went to the Cleveland Clinic in Cleveland, OH to visit a cardiologist that specializes in endurance athletes. My story is not one of 'we see runners all the time'...because you don't. Well, maybe you do, but I think the mileage and racing history I carry with me should bring on more of a conversation about what, if any, those years of pounding have to do with my condition.
Spent a couple of days in Cleveland, oh boy, because as has been my experience, there is always 'one more test'...and there was. ...and yet, no new answers. My path includes a new heart/transplant at some point...maybe in 3 months, may not be for 2 years, who knows. What holds me up, and why the doc in CLE asked if he could write a paper on my condition (...wonder if I'll ever see this 'paper'?) is that I'm living with an EF of roughly 17%, yet I can still jump on a treadmill and pound out a stress-test, still managing a vo2 max of 44-46...how? Years of training? ...it makes no sense to most, (but it is what it is, and it keeps me off the 'list', for now.) The way I understand it is that at some point I will deteriorate to the point where I can't walk up a flight of steps...I think at that point, I'll know.
(Outlier, an anomaly...and the word miraculous may have been used when describing my testing...)
Last Monday I had another doctors appointment with my local/rock-star cardiologist because I had a 'spell' while driving...ugh. My EF seems to have stabilized, though I had 2 spikes in my HR in January as detected by my pacemaker/defibrillator...not to the point of my defibrillator going off, but both spikes were up and over 200 HR, though I never felt them. ...and you guessed it, one of the spikes was during tennis. Tennis...really? 
Life itself is good...I seem to have found love and peace, and have a clear understanding of my path and journey. I think a lot about how many years of life I'll have after my transplant...10? 12? 14? Will I be able to walk my daughter down the aisle? Will I get to see her graduate high school and/or college? Some days it's hard to think about, so I don't. 
New love, a new career, and I'd like to think that I did a really nice job of ridding my life of people who were all-consuming and stressful, as the stress really sets me back. ...time for Derek to relax.
So, what a year...I think back to where I was last spring, not understanding why I was always so tired and winded, just thinking I was getting old and out of shape, maybe even flirting with depression, I had no idea I was in heart failure, and reading back my posts from last April through June, I was like a lost puppy. ('The Puppy who lost his way'...a Billy Madison reference. :)

Thanks again for all the love and support...I'm hoping 2019 is not as challenging as 2018, but if it is, I'll be ready. 

Love you all.

Finally, an update...

I know, I know...it's about time I update the blog.
Life has been out of control busy, and it seems like every time I sit down to write about my heart failure, something pops up. But, as life continues to settle down, I'll do my best to update on a regular basis.
I'd like to start by updating my medical condition.
MEDICAL
As many of you know, my last update had me heading back to the Heart Hospital for another right-heart catheterization, a procedure ordered because of my bitching about being dizzy and light-headed from time to time. 'Bring an overnight bag, just in case' were the words of wisdom before I headed in. ...and the way I understood the appointment, if I woke from the procedure and the 'wand' was still in my neck, I was staying overnight...again. Well, as luck would have it, I woke from the procedure in the ICU, catheter/wand still in my neck...numbers not looking hot, apparently.
...then shit gets real.
Now, because this happened mid August, about 6 weeks ago, I'll do my best to remember, but at the end of the day, the memory, at my age, is always iffy.
Procedure was on a Monday...the rest of the day was spent with procedures and talks/meetings about a possible LVAD surgery...joy joy.
Tuesday brought more of the same, with visits from the chaplain, notary to make sure my Health Directive was in order...also met with a gal from insurance, along with 2 women, 1 talking to me about an LVAD, the other wanted to chat about the inevitable heart-transplant.
At some point, the surgeon stopped in to talk abut the LVAD, saying that the surgery would likely happen in 2-3 weeks...wait, what? ...there is NOTHING about the LVAD, or the surgery, that looks like fun, though would maybe give me a new lease on life until I'm ready for a new heart, a 'bridge-to-transplant', so to speak.
Wednesday rolls around, still in the ICU, and the LVAD chatter has faded...more tests, including a colonoscopy and another ultra-sound of the heart/chest/stomach. My ejection fraction still sitting at about 17 percent, at best. Who knew...

My final test was on Thursday was another treadmill stress-test, a runner with elevation. (...was able to get out of ICU today at lunch time)
I'm still not a fan of the mouth-piece I chew on during the test, but I feel comfortable on the treadmill, more than likely from the years of treadmill-intervals.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRg46ZMEQ74
The problem with my results, again, is that my VO2 Max is still sitting at 44ish, piss-poor compared to days-past, but too high to get placed anywhere but near the bottom of a transplant list...
Friday rolls around, and FINALLY, I'm released! Set up with new medication...and honestly, I'm not sure if they know what to do with me. My heart is crap, all the numbers show that, yet my treadmill number is almost too high for a kid in heart failure.
So, LVAD, not yet...new heart, inevitable...
...and to everyone to stopped by to say hey, THANK YOU...the love and support was much appreciated.
PHYSICALLY
Physically...well, physically I still feel pretty good, take away the dizzy spells and being light-headed from time to time.
I still wonder how I would be feeling, or if I would still be alive, had I not driven myself to the ER back in March. I more than likely would have done Leadman, and more than likely would have died in CO. ...looks like I dodged that bullet.
Most days, I feel great. I am responding well to my new medication...and I'm doing my best to drink lots of high-quality H2O and to limit my sodium intake.
Dr. H also asked me to limit my physical activity...walking and/or light spinning...cool, but NO racing or 'working' hard. I'm doing my best, but damn it's hard. Most days I feel good and I really want to ride, and most days I don't, but... (...but imagine getting so out of shape that I run a 1:53 and change half marathon? Hard to think about...)
I'm still doing my best to stay fit...elliptical when I can, light spinning, core...anything as long as the HR doesn't get over 120. 25 mile gravel ride from Gear West mid-October, but I'll roll easy...promise.
Weight is still steady at 192ish...could stand to lose 10-12 pounds before Christmas, though it's hard for me to lose weight without 'working' out.
Lisa has been great with getting me on track with my diet and who knows...180 may soon be the new me!
EMOTIONAL
...boy, where to start. I guess I need to start by thanking SO many of you for all of the support. I have been blessed with SO many amazing friends. ...and to Gabe, Michelle, Renee and Lisa, I'm not sure where I would be without the love. 
What a roller-coaster of emotions over the past 6 weeks. So many days I feel good...some days even GREAT, yet then I get up out of a chair and nearly pass out and remember, I'm in heart failure.
Will there be a tomorrow? Will this be the last Packer game I see? Is this the last phone call to my sister? ...maybe I'll grow old and be able to walk Torun down the aisle...maybe I crap out while walking the dogs tonight...who knows.
...and I always think about why me? Who knows...maybe it's what I deserve? I know I don't deserve the love I'm blessed with... Every morning I wake up next to a beautiful woman and think, did I die during one of my procedures and this is heaven? SO many raw emotions everyday. ...and what do I do with these emotions? Doing my best at doing my best, but as most of you know, I have a hard time getting out of my own way. I am trying my best...
Today is a GOOD day...woke up with a smile, feeling full of life. Some days when I wake, I really beat myself up with the 'I deserve this' attitude, other mornings are somber. Let's ride today for all it's worth...
Thanks again for all the love and support...and remember, I'm Derek Lindstrom, and I can do anything!

Self-titled...

(Tuesday evening...)
I know, I know, quit your bitching...I'm really trying to keep the blog updated, but life has plans for me most days, and frankly, the heart news is more of the same...ugh. I look forward to the day when I can talk about GREAT/NEW news...but alas, not today. 

Not sure if I posted about the heart biopsy that I went through last month...oh joy. The test for cardiac sarcoidosis came back NEGATIVE, which is grand news, though beyond that, just seems like I'm treading water, deteriorating just a tad every week. 
Test was simple in that a catheter was run up from my groin into my heart...from there they snipped a tiny sample of my heart, that's all. I was a mess for a day or 2 after that test...

So, how am I feeling? A solid C+ on most days, though I had a really hard day last Wednesday as I was really out/short of breath all day, to the point of it scaring me. 
Sitting in a movie (Mission Impossible - Fallout, thumbs up!) and at one point my breath was gone, almost to the point of gasping for air...WTF was that? By the next day I was a tad better, and by Friday...all good. I brought this up to doc, who was NOT impressed...soooo, next Monday I will be repeating the Right Heart Catheter test, looking for numbers, though as much I'd like to think that they're looking for improved numbers, I think it's more to see how much I have 'slipped' in 8+ weeks...a prep for the LVAD. Bring that shit on!
(LVAD... Left Ventricular Assist Device)

Speaking with the nurse about my appointment scheduled for Monday, she mentioned I was going to learn all about the LVAD, when/where/why. 
I did my own research (?) on the LVAD, and it's not as simple as I thought it was, it's actually open-heart surgery!  
An LVAD is a surgically implanted mechanical pump that is attached to the heart. An LVAD is different from an artificial heart...an artificial heart replaces the failing heart completely whereas an LVAD works with the heart to help it pump more blood with less work.  It does this by continuously taking blood from the left ventricle and moving it to the aorta, which then delivers oxygen-rich blood throughout the body. (Stole that last paragraph off Google...I obviously don't write THAT well!)

...oh joy. 
So, is this the next step? ...a Bridge to Transplant as it's called, or am I still months away? I guess I'll find out more at my Monday appointment...make sure to pack an overnight bag, she says...wait, what? Again, WTF!

I guess the bigger question should be, how should I be feeling? I suppose that I should assume that now that they want to chat about LVAD and transplant, that I should just wrap my mind around that...embrace the suck. But, should I be sad? Mad? ...should I be crying? I honestly don't know...in a way I feel numb...getting through life day by day, knowing what's down the road. I'm not mad, sad, crabby...just, blah. When you think about it, I should want this done sooner than later...if it's going to happen, bring that shit on NOW...recover and LIVE life!
Surviving/running/racing with an ejection fraction of less than 20% for who knows how long...just imagine the energy/power I'd have with an ejection fraction of 60+ percent...I may be able to get back my KOM (Strava King of the Mountain) crown from Game Farm Road. 
Look out, Jordan Roby...you and I...GFRoad...you may want to taper! :)
...quick back-story. I used to ride a lot out of Gear West in Long Lake, MN...Wednesday night group rides, 25 or 40 mile options. I would usually ride the 40 mile loop, because I could. There is a 3+ mile segment called Game Farm Road later in the ride, and a couple of years ago we got to the start of this section and Jordan, John W. and I just took off, 27+ mph for most of it, taking turns leading. Well, every time it was MY turn to pull, I couldn't...I'd sit back, working as hard as I could, just hanging on, letting Jordan and John do most (all) of the work. As we approached the finish, they were both peetering out, and I threw in a little push and crossed the line first, becoming KOM on the segment via Strava...averaging just shy of 25 mph. That KOM is long gone, BUT, maybe someday I'll be back and ready to toe that line once again...maybe next time I can take my turn pulling when it's time!

Break time...

(Wednesday morning...)
...another quick call from my nurse...more meds, this time to help with the quick weight gain, 8.6 pounds in 2 days? 2 words for you, CHU BBY.

I can tell I am becoming numb to all the procedures, as 2 months ago when I was scheduled for my first Right Heart Catheter test, it was a big deal...now, it's just another procedure, another surgery...again, bring that shit on...I'm Derek Lindstrom, and I can do anything!

Thoughts and prayers, please, as I begin this 'new' chapter, LVAD and transplant discussions...ugh. 

Re-cap and Updates

Happy Monday...July 16th, 2018.
It's been a titch over a month since I last posted...life has been so crazy over the past month, with SO much going on, I'm not even sure where to start.
Let's go back a sec to where it all started...March 3rd and the 'bump in the road' along with my first blog post back on March 12th.
FIRST BLOG POST

...since then, I've had a set-back or 3, with test after test, including a stay at Mayo for a spell for more testing.
Last week I received a call from my cardiologists office, just checking in, trying to find out how I was feeling. 'Tired, lethargic with frequent bouts of being light-headed'...well let's get you in a for a quick check-up...I see you have a pace-maker appointment on Friday, let's do it then.
Quick lab draw, then a meeting with a NP named Meghan...she was a rock-star, though wasn't really digging my answers or results so ordered another diagnostic cardiac ultrasound.
Results showed an ejection fraction of 17%...ugh...with no noticeable improvement :(  ...and a possible clot in my left ventricle...same old pesky clot, or is this one new?  
Not many other changes...blood pressure still too low to 'medicate', 86/52ish, and they tweaked my PMaker, trying to elevate my HR quicker. None of that makes any sense to me, so I just roll with it. They have adjusted me so my resting doesn't go below 70, and my max is either set at 170, or 200, though I haven't been able to get it above 165 in testing, or biking on my own.

So what's next? Well tomorrow is a big day...after the news from last Friday, they asked me come in on Tuesday (tomorrow) for a heart biopsy...doesn't that sound like fun! Sounds like they'll insert a catheter into the right side of my neck, again, and go in through an artery to my heart and take some heart samples...really? Wait, what? You're going to do what? ...make it sound so easy, just an hour long procedure, but this test really bugs me, and I'm not sure why.



...and yes, I'm back to shots in the stomach...joy, joy.

This past month has been an emotional/trying month for me to say the least...and the 'unknown' is so hard on me! I've been told no running, and when I ride, NOTHING over 120 HR...ugh. To a guy who thrives off working hard, it's really hard to handle, but it's something I need to do if I have any chance of getting better, or any chance of getting a new heart down the road, if that's the journey.
...but wow, it's hard!  
Emotional also as it pertains to life...life has always been a struggle, and now, even with NEW love, I feel lost...what to do, where to go, what's my next step?  ...there are some days...
My trip to Mayo was a bit of a disappointment, thinking I would get some concrete answers while I was there, but all they could offer was a 'confirmation' that they believe I tested positive for cardiac sarcoidosis as well...a diagnosis I heard from the Heart Hospital earlier, so I will keep my care at the HH...the docs and nurses there have been amazing. I was reaching...

...so, tomorrow, ugh...I'll be sure to blog and/or post my thoughts on the procedure, but I'm not jumping for joy to get it done, and I'm not sure why...I'm Derek Lindstrom, and I can do anything, but some days, I'm a flipping-pansy!

Dumb

Happy Monday fellow campers...hope you had an amazing weekend. I spent Sunday in Duluth just hiking, taking in the beautiful day...and beautiful it was.
I left the cities early Sunday morning so I could sit on the beach at Park Point and watch the sunrise...then off to trek through town before a quick 20,000 step hike at Gooseberry.
My favorite part of Gooseberry is to follow the river bed of Nelson's Creek to the cove at the lake...but the river was too high/moving for me this time. Hiking alone with a heart condition is already cause for concern...only so many risks.
Saturday I was able to make my way out to watch some amazing athletes compete in the Liberty Triathlon...really started to pour and the race was cut short, but it sure was nice to see some great friends competing...you guys all rock! ...and to finally meet Erik, fellow Leadman...dude, remember, it's all about getting your ass out of the chair!  Good luck!

Who knew I would end up enjoying blogging about my journey as much as I do...very relaxing, and I can speak/swear the way I want...but, I really appreciate the feedback.
I sound depressed; I'm doing too much; I sound redundant; I am strong...sounds like everybody interprets my writings differently...cool. ...and honestly, my vibe can change at the drop of a hat.

So, I know what you're all waiting for, results from Friday's follow-up doctors appointment.
The news was not what I was hoping for, but I was not surprised, and I am cool with it.
I went alone, which is always scary, as most of the words I can't understand, so my small 'guy' brain hears what it wants to hear. ...and here is what it heard.

I rocked my stress test the previous Friday...duh. VO2 max was rock solid...again, duh. ...let's move on. 
The PET/radiation CT scan thing I took on Wednesday, looking for traces of cardiac sarcoidosis... 

Cardiac sarcoidosis is a rare condition which affects a small number of people who suffer from a condition called sarcoidosis – an inflammatory condition that can affect multiple organs.

What Is Cardiac Sarcoidosis?

Cardiac sarcoidosis is a rare disease in which clusters of white blood cells, called granulomas, form in the tissue of the heart. Any part of the heart can be affected, though these cell clusters most often form in the heart muscle where they can interfere with the heart’s electrical system (conduction defects) and cause irregular heartbeats (arrhythmias). Cardiac sarcoidosis can also result in heart failure.

The disease tends to affect younger people, generally between 25 and 45 years old.

Most people diagnosed with cardiac sarcoidosis also have granulomas in other organs of the body, most commonly in the lungs (pulmonary sarcoidosis). 

Well, joy joy, test came back positive...what the fuck? Now I have cardiac sarcoidosis as well? I thought this test was more of a formality...double damn. ...tells me to get to an optometrist and get my eyes checked, as CD can mess with sight as well...I guess? Dumb.
Cause? Treatment? ...I have no idea...she lost me at 'positive'. ...but, it's not cool.

But wait, it gets better. We got chatting about the stress test and how the nurse reading the test, as I was finishing, (Comma? No Comma?) said 'did you feel that?'...circling a spot on the print-out. Nope, I didn't feel anything.
That concerned look came over the face of my cardiologist when she heard this and left, only to come back with another doc, another nurse and some guy with a computer/cart. This guy can read my pace/maker with this computer mouse dealio... Well, it looks like in the past 2 weeks I had 6 'spells' where my heart spikes, couple of times as high as 255, for a period of time...coming close to the defibrillator going off...? What? Isn't this why I have the PM, so this shit DOESN'T happen?
From what I understand, which isn't a lot, (Can we say dumb?) if my heart goes crazy over 200, the number my defib. is set at, it has a 'grace period' before the defib. shocks the shit out of me (Sorry so graphic...), though I don't know if it was 14 beats, or 14 seconds...again, dumb.
...and it's funny, a while back I talked about this long walk I did FROM the hospital, mainly 'cuz I was pissed, well 2 of the spells happened early in that walk. What?

So hear I sit, Monday morning, ready to attack another week, STILL not knowing what the fuck is going on. ...though I am now on 800mg of amiodarone to, well, I don't know what the hell it's supposed to do.

So no, I'm NOT depressed; I am NOT doing too much...and if I sound redundant, FU. ...and strong? What does that even mean? Some days I look at myself as a pansy, some days I feel like I can kick Bautista's ass...some days, blah...BUT, I'll keep at it... 

This upcoming weekend is going to be tough. Friday is/was supposed to be a 5 year anniversary (?), and Saturday is the Leadville Marathon, race 1 in the Leadman series...won't be toeing THAT start line...THIS year! ...may need a 30 pack of Busch Light for this weekend :) (...water, as Jen P. calls it.)

I had thought about asking doc for some Zolft, but I've got this shit. I'm Derek Lindstrom, and I can do anything!

Make someone smile today!

Identity

i·den·ti·ty

ˌīˈden(t)ədē/

noun

noun: identity; plural noun: identities

1. 1.

   the fact of being who or what a person or thing is.

I've been thinking hard about identity recently, and what it means...and what is becoming of MY identity?

I'm becoming more lost by the day, not being able to run after so many years, and so many miles... I was known as a runner, I felt like a runner for many years. 

Now, I'm just a guy, and some days, not a very good one. 

A friend of mine recently said I need to focus on being a good coach and a better father...is that my identity? I find myself questioning who I am...

I was able to talk to a another friend in depth tonight about her cancer, how she traveled the road alone, and what SHE did to get herself out of bed every morning during and after...it's hard. 

At the time, she felt the same way that I do right now...questioning why, why me, why am I getting out of bed. But, she got through, one day at a time, with the help of friends and family, and now she's rocking life...so there IS hope for me!

Can we talk about today's adventure? Ugh...the scheduled PET Cardiac Sarcoid Study.

This test involves pumping my body full of radiation and then shoving me into a CT 'tube', looking for sarcoidosis in and around the heart...don't ask. 

I was ushered into the dreaded CT room around 8... Insert IV, a quick 15 minutes in the tube, I believe to just get a baseline. "Have they told you how big your heart is?" ...why yes they have, thank you...dick. 

Brings me back to a small personalized room, get's me comfy, then shoots me full of radiation, along with a couple of vials of saline...then asks me to sit there for 2 hours...really? 

At the end of my 2 hours/prison, I'm brought back to the CT room and placed back in the tube for another 15 minutes...REPEAT. 

Results? I won't find out anything until Friday when I meet with my cardiologist.

Last Friday I completed a stress-test on a treadmill at the Heart Institute...I think I crushed it, but what does that mean? With an ejection fraction of @15 I can still dominate the treadmill...that bitch was smoking, I was working it so hard...well, maybe not, BUT, I thought the test went well...I did my best. Speed wasn't killer, but the elevation, wow. Started at 10% with nominal speed, though every 3 minutes they bumped up, both elevation AND speed. When I finally 'gave-in', I think I was running at 22% elevation...HR stuck at 164/165, VO2 max was solid...BOOM.

But what does that even mean? I've done a similar test so many times, I knew HOW to work, and when...and being a pretty tough/stubborn kid, I knew I could hang on...which I did.

I guess we'll get those results on Friday as well.

Am I going to get a clean bill of health and I'll be told maybe I can start running again? No...BUT, maybe the tests will show that I'm efficient enough to live at 15%...hell, I don't even know what I'm talking about...again, lost. Friday.

I think where I'm at, nobody knows what to do with me, so I think the tests are more to cross 'possibilities' off the list. I don't believe I have cardiac sarcoidosis, but let's find out, and if not, we can cross it off the list.

What's next? Bring that shit on, 'cause I'm Derek Lindstrom, and I can do anything!