Eyes Wide Open

Sorry about the long delay between blog posts. I'm trying to do a better job, keeping you abreast of my current health status, but life keeps getting in the way.
Like you, I'm still in a bit of shock that my heart isn't digging my body any longer, but honestly, after the way I treated it for so long...so many races, so many times pushing it to the limit, I wouldn't like me either. But I'm Derek Lindstrom...if anything, I was going to be taken down by cancer, or HIV, or die a fiery death doing something dumb...but my heart? Fuck...
Let's go back to Friday May 4th, my latest appointment with my cardiologist at the Heart Institute...just a quick chat about the findings of the Holter monitor I wore for 48 hours in April...I was sure the results would be cool, after all, it had been 3-4 weeks since I wore the damn thing. 
Expecting goods news, but knowing how things have been going, I was ready...but was I really?
Turns out the monitor highlighted that my heart 'paused' 74 times during that 48 hours...some brief, some 3 seconds long, with the longest being 3.6 seconds...? 
Have to be honest here, over those 48 hours, I felt great...just an easy at home weekend...no crazy workouts, no drinking, no fights (I know, surprising to me as well...)...sounds like the heart quit on me over and over...bastard.
"What does this mean, doc?" ...turns out she wanted to admit me, NOW, late afternoon on Friday, so they can keep a close eye (...and monitor) on me over the weekend so I can be ready for surgery on Monday where I'll get a Medtronic defibrillator and pacemaker combo-pack...what? But I have plans this weekend? ...um, no you don't. 
I debate, saying I'll be fine at home...she has Michaela call me and ask me to please stay. (Michaela, if you don't know, is a dear friend and advocate of mine...helping me with appointments, and helping me realize how dumb it is to go home right now...) ...and Jen, who came with me to this appointment, promised to stay with me over the weekend if I stayed.
So I stay, admitted on Friday. (...but not before Jen broke me out of the joint for a few minutes to grab Panera!)
The weekend is a bit of a blur to me...still not even sure what I'm doing there...I feel fine...well except for the dizziness and crazy resting heart rate...other than that, I'm fine.
Friday night the HR gets down to 31, Saturday night down to 27...what? And in true Derek-form, I wanted to know what the record was...25? I can do that...? Still a joke to me until my eyes are opened on Sunday.
Sunday brought more blood 'donating' (Is there any left?) and an ultrasound/EKG thing...well this should be fun. On my side, jellied-up, the 'test-administrator', though I'm sure he has a title, uses one of those ultrasound 'balls' that they used on Tiffany's belly when she was pregnant with Torun, only this time it's there to show me pictures of my heart...he measured, drew tangents, explained what my heart was/wasn't doing. "See here where the heart looks like it's not doing/pumping anything at all? That's because it's not." Nice, thanks...dick. :)
Later that afternoon I meet with my cardiologist where she said the results show an ejection fraction now at 10-20%, they called it 15...why don't they call it 19, or even 20, I don't know...15 it is...surgery it is.
How am I feeling? Well, Saturday and Sunday both I walked the halls for over 4 hours...30,000+ steps each day...obsessed? ...still feeling good, and if I hadn't seen the pics of heart, I could argue that I'm ready to go home.
Surgery eventually gets moved to first thing Tuesday morning...but I'm ready. Shaved, prepped, IV, no underpants under my gown, I'm ready to rumble...I'm wheeled into surgery, and then...I'm out.
...and honestly, that's all I remember. I wake to a room full of docs and nurses, and a big bandage on the left side of my upper chest. Guess that was it...but man, I could use the pain-killers, like, NOW!
(Such a pansy...) I get through the rest of the day, drowsy, Jen still there, but I feel like I got hit by a truck. Nauseous, dizzy, tired...I guess I'm not walking the halls today :(

The rest of the week went by so quick...I'm released early Wednesday, Uber home and nap like I've never napped before. I'm sore, nauseous and lonely the rest of Wednesday/Thursday, and made the mistake thinking I was ready to drive on Friday. I made it about 5 minutes driving until I had to stop on the side of the road and vomit...guess I wasn't ready.



So it's Sunday night...I had surgery 5 days ago, and honestly, besides the soreness around the site, maybe a light headache, I feel great! They set my pacemaker to never go below 45, and I know it's too early to tell anything, but I seem to be sleeping better, like I have more air...not even sure how to explain it, almost the opposite of being short of breathe? I'll update you soon after I have a better grasp of what/how I'm feeling post surgery, but so far, thumbs up.
Next step? I still have a bumpy road ahead, but for now, I feel safe knowing that 'I am Derek Lindstrom, and I can do anything!'

Reflection...

It's been 8 weeks...still not a lot of answers, but life is moving on.

I think at some point I was supposed to go through the 7 steps of grief/mourning, whatever they call it, but I feel like I am still in denial...maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and everything will be fine. ...well my ride today was a wake-up call.

The weekend before my stroke (Saturday Feb. 24th) I ran 14 miles...not fast, 8:37 average on a moderately hilly route...felt rock-solid for a guy who hasn't put in a lot of miles over the past 6 months, but getting out to run 14 miles has never been a problem, and it wasn't on this day either.

4 days later I really struggled on a simple hill workout...just chalked it up to being fat and out of shape. Should have listened to my body...3 days later I had my stroke.

Since that time, I really haven't felt bad. The pills seem to be kicking my ass and I seem to have lost a few pounds...but I am still power-walking 6 miles at a crack (Even sneaking in some light 'jogging' during those walks...shhhh) and riding 1-2.5 hours at least 5 times per week...not hard riding, but pushing maybe a tad more than I should.

It was SO nice out today that I decided to ride into work, an 8.5 mile route that I have done before, and holy shit, what a fucking train-wreck. From the first pedal stroke, I had zero power, almost like I haven't been on a bike in years. Medicine catching up with me? Maybe I've been doing too much (Boo)...or maybe...? Rode home after work and was sure not to push it, and I did feel better on the trip home, but wow, this morning sucked...

It's been a night of reflection, both in my personal life, and as an athlete.

As most of you know, I am an open book, wearing my heart on my sleeve...to a fault on occasion. Well you know what, life isn't always a rose garden...life sucks sometimes, and this is one of those times.

Why would this happen to ME? I'm Derek Lindstrom... Is this another test?  ...and if so, to what end?  Does God know that I AM a fighter, so maybe it's easier to put this on MY shoulders rather than someone else? Or is this something I deserve for years of maybe not being the nicest guy? Who knows...but it sucks ass.

No running? Ok, I can live with that...for now. I've run my share of miles/races...maybe it's time for someone else to win :) ...but the ride this morning was hard...what if I take a step back and start struggling doing simple things like power-walking, or riding a bike? Fuck, it's just riding a bike!

During my ride this morning I glanced down to the TomTom at one point...7.8 mph...? What? 7.8? You're a sad piece of shit, Derek Lindstrom! I used to RUN that fast!

I think back to only 3 years ago...I really wanted to run the NYC Marathon, and the only way to get in, as using the lottery system is next to impossible, is to run a qualifying time. So, I design a 7 week training plan, head down to San Antonio for the RNR Half Marathon, only needing a 1:32 to get in on an 'elite' bib, and qualify with time to spare...that's how easy it has been for years. Stay fit, and when it's time to race, run through a short training cycle and show up. So, to struggle on an 8 mile bike ride, fuck.

Am I swearing too much? I'm finding myself with a little more love in my 'broken' heart, but I also find myself with a bit of a 'harsh' side now as well...maybe I need the 7 steps?

1. SHOCK & DENIAL
2. PAIN & GUILT
3. ANGER & BARGAINING
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS
5. THE UPWARD TURN
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE

I think back to my first marathon in 1981...or my first 50 mile trail run in 1989 (On 3 days notice...). Racing in Europe; my first 24 hour mountain bike race; my first Ironman...just go out and do it. Toe the line, race hard and see how you stack up. It was never really that I wanted to win more than the guy next to me, because we all want to win, but I HATED to lose...more than the guy next to me! 

...and in the end, maybe that attitude bit me in the ass?

Life has been a battle for me for so long, but I always had my running/racing. I could use a long run or ride as an escape, my time to just get out. Some people meditate, some smoke weed...I would just run. How do I handle the stress of life now?

"I'm Derek Lindstrom, and I can do anything!"

#WhoKnew
First, thanks for taking a few minutes to stop by my blog. I have had this blog for the past 8+ years, using it only occasionally as I was training for the 'next big race'...a race that never seemed to happen.
I've run/raced a lot...110 marathons, Ironman, probably nearly 700+ races in total, but over the past 5+ years, I truly have found myself searching for a race, a meaning.
I honestly thought that Leadman 2018 was going to be IT. I was excited, motivated...threw down my $855 to enter. Was training at a D+/C- level for most of the fall/winter, having limited energy to get out. Motivation, none. Always tired with an excuse. What a lazy piece of shit, I would call myself.

Fast forward to Saturday March 3rd, 2018, in Stillwater picking up Torun from swim practice, standing in the lobby of Stillwater Jr. when all of a sudden I felt odd, really light headed, to the point where I needed to lean against a wall so I didn't fall over. No arm movement and couldn't speak, though I was coherent, enough so that I could see and hear Torun, but I had no movement...I'm sure all the swim-moms I was with thought I was drunk. Lasted maybe a minute or so but gradually got feeling and such back, but what the hell was that? "You ok, papa?"  Still not feeling the best a couple of hours later, I drove myself to the ER, just to make sure I was OK to drive.
Park Nicollet in Burnsville, nope, they send me across the parking lot to Fairview where they run me through a hula hoop looking MRI...nothing. "Let's try one more test...", I hate when they say that. Well this MRI shows a dissection(?) in the back of my neck, a tear that could have been pooling blood, or where a clot had formed and let loose, possibly causing a minor stroke, but we need more tests. So, off by ambulance I go, to Fairview Southdale, for the night.
The next morning I'm treated to numerous texts...another MRI, labs...so much blood drawn, good god. Ready for this? "Let's try one more test..." Ugh.
This test, a TEE, gets me put out for just a minute, placed on my side and they shove some tube down my esophagus to take a peak at my heart...I came to not knowing they had done anything. My kind of test :)
Now I'm not sure when I got results, whether it was Sunday or Monday, but at least I got news. Severe scaring in the heart, a severely dilated left ventricle, a 6x8 thrombus (clot) in the LV...and an ejection fraction of 23%...
I think basically what he was saying is that "You're screwed!"...wait, what?

So here I sit, Thursday April 12th, 2018, with no other news. I've seen 3 cardiologists and a neurologist, with 4 different conclusions. I found a cardiologist at the Heart Institute in Minneapolis that I really like, so I will listen to her...and her advice is to first get an ICD implanted, more to keep me alive in case the ticker stops. The ICD will jump start it, as I understand it. 
After the ICD, it's time for a biopsy to take a tiny chunk of the heart to see what the scaring looks like. After which they will do what they can to get my EF number up, (I'd take a 35 at this point) and if not, well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
#WhoKnew

So, I could use a quick prayer from time to time. I want to grow old to see the kids graduate from high school, to get married...maybe get back to the point where I can jog with them, though those days may be done :(

Yea, no running and only easy riding. I'm on blood thinners to help with the clotting, and I think they're afraid I may fall down, get a cut and bleed out...? Don't they know who I am? I'm Derek Lindstrom...I don't fall :)

That attitude, which has worked well for me for years..."I'm Derek Lindstrom, and I can do anything!" ...an attitude needed to race well, to push through another hard workout. I remember riding with the Gear West Tri Team June of 2016, a ride that I will always remember, as will Jordan Roby. I show up ready to rumble, pushing the pace from the start, a KOM on Game Farm Road, and I pushed hard for 40+ miles...pushing, pushing, pushing, and I remember telling myself a couple of times on that ride, when I was going to be dropped, that "I'm Derek Lindstrom, and I can do this...I can pound these guys into the ground!"
Worked well THAT day, and on too many runs to count over the years...well, that attitude may have sucked the life out of me. So many times over the past few years I would suck up a workout, push through, pound, push, whether I had the energy to pound or not...turns out I did not, and that I was struggling because I was sick. But how was I to know? I assumed I was just getting older and losing motivation...turns out I was tired and struggling because my IF was half of that of other runners/riders. ...suppose that should make me feel better, but it doesn't.

Gotta run now, but I hope you take time to pop in and read from time to time...it's going to be a battle, both physically AND emotionally. Reading that almost 40% of patients with heart issues such as mine run into depression, well I'm not going to let that happen...I'm Derek Lindstrom, for crying out loud!

Hit the reset button...

Seems to be the theme, run/race well for a bit, only to get dinged up.  So here I sit, 3 months after my fibula stress fracture...chomping at the bit to get out there and run!
I ran 3 easy miles last night, but it was an ugly/painful 3 miles...pain at the fracture mark, only to move down into my ankle at around mile marker 1.
I have been staying fit (12.5 hourz last week) by spinning at Life Time, lifting, core, powerwalking while hauling a 90 pound sled in the cold.  I feel fit, strong...and ready to rumble, except for this damn leg. 
So, Boston?  Still not sure...if I can heal up quick, put in a little quality...maybe a long run or 2, I'll toe the line and roll the dice.  I won't be expecting anything, but to get to Boston again to run, vacation...visit with BPEC Race Team members.  I am registered and we have our hotel booked...besides the leg, I am ready.
What else has been happening? 
Race calendar for 2014?  I'm still thinking...if/when I get healthy, here is a quick list:
* Boston Marathon
* Afton Trail 25K (Pace)
* Voyageur 50 Miler
* Leadville 100 Miler
* St. George Marathon
* Ironman or 70.3?  How about 1 mile on the track?  So many races, so little time...


I'll try to be better at updating the blog this Spring...promise :)

3 Hour Playlist

...as you know, I don't do anything without tunage...one of my favorite 3 hour playlists...enjoy!


We Are The Waiting - Green Day
Who's Your Daddy - Benny Benassi
Let's Get It Started - BEP
Locked Out Of Heaven - Bruno Mars
Feels So Close (Extended Mix) - Calvin Harris
Jellyhead - Crush
Get Lucky - Daft Punk
Sandstorm - Darude
Sexy Bitch (Chuckie & Lil Jon Remix) - David Guetta
Titanium (Feat. Sia) - David Guetta
Clockout - Devo
Uncontrollable Urge - Devo
The Pretender - Foo Fighters
We Are Young - Fun.
Feel Good Inc. - Gorillaz
We Are The Waiting - Green Day
F.O.D. - Green Day
Sweet Child O' Mine - Guns N' Roses
Empire State Of Mind - Jay Z
La La La - LMFAO
Party Rock Anthem - LMFAO
Free Bird - Lynard Skynard
Stitches (Green Velvet Mix) - Orgy
Blue Monday (Club 69 Mix) - Orgy
Blurred Lines - Robin Thicke
A Love Bizzare - Sheila E. (12+ minutes...)
Who Am I (What's My Name)? - Snoop Dog
So Far Away - Staind
Magic Power - Triumph
The Promise - When In Rome
Scream & Shout (Feat. Britney Spears - will.i.am
#thatPOWER (Feat. Justin Bieber - will.i.am

Well this sucks...

Marathon #106...Marquette Marathon...done!

Well I guess you could say that the marathon 'cram' was a success...but I'm not sure if I wanna do that again!
To set the marathon stage, The Marquette Marathon is a small marathon in an even smaller town, my hometown, Marquette, MI.  Race date was Saturday August 31st, 2013.  I ran my first marathon there in 1981, I think in 3:02. 
Jen and I drove to Marquette on Friday.  After a late start, we pulled into Marquette (following a 7 hour drive) at 7:45p local time...shit, expo closes at 9:00...and I still need to register!
Good dinner, good sleep and I'm ready to rumble.
Saturday morning, race day, and I feel grand.  I have a good breakfast (NO Diet Pepsi), and we head to the start.  No Garmin today, I'm going to run off 'feel' and just let my playlist guide me. 
The plan (?) is to run 7:40's from the start, be consistent and run 3:24:59 to hit my Boston time by the 5:01 over mark, allowing me to sign up on week 1.  Well, plans change... 
Favorite shoes, (Mizuno Precision)...check; gel flask full of PowerGel, favorite Brooks shorts and Brooks/BP tech top and a loaded iPod...I'm ready. 
With my gel, as well as my hydration, I stuck to the plan...7 gels total, early and often...I was one of the only runners to take a gel and 2 cups at mile 1.5 :)

Standing at the start line, doubt is heavy on my mind...minimal training, limited quality, sore left calf, family health battles weighing heavy with me... "How am I going to run 26+ miles at 7:40 pace when I have only done 1 run beyond 9 miles in the past couple of months?" ...but at some point, you just need to get it done.  I have years of base, and years of experience...what will be different about THIS marathon?  Nothing...dammit, Derek, just put your head down and push...you need Boston, you and Jen need Boston.
As we begin the 2 loop course in and around Marquette, most of our miles will be run on paved bike trails...a gradual climb from miles 3.5-5/16.5-18...could it be any more beautiful than this?  Marquette really is paradise.  A town of roughly 20,000 residents, situated on the shores of Lake Superior and home to Northern Michigan University and the Olympic Training Center, and apparently, a very supportive community, as we had an endless supply of spectator support on the course.
...Mile 1, 7:02, mile 2, 6:59...mile 3, 7:04...what the hell?  Why did this feel so easy?  "Slow the hell down, Derek!" 7:11, 7:06...10 miles in 1:10:40 and the half in 1:33 and change.  "Hey, toolbox, what about the 7:40 plan?"  Well, the course is fast, weather is amazing...and that playlist...  How long can I hold this crazy pace?  Can I hold on and finish 20 minutes under my Boston qualifying time?
This race is reminding me a lot of the 2006 Baton Rouge Beach Marathon, there I also needed a Boston time after pacing my ex to a Boston time at Chicago only 6 weeks earlier.  I came into that race, as I did Marquette, undertrained, no mileage, no quality, yet ran an opening half in 1:26 and finished 5th overall and as the Master's Champion in 3:05ish, a race that still has me scratching my head.
Mile 14, 7:13, 15 in 7:11...?  In hindsight, my race went South with a strong push on mile 18, an uphill mile that I worked hard...too hard.  7:08 for 18 and then 6:59 for mile 19...and then I was done.
I hit mile 20 in roughly 2:24, 7:12 average...a huge Boston cushion.  The rest of the run was a jog/run/walk through aid stations, keeping a close eye on the watch so I kept my 10:00+ Boston time.
3:17:54.  RESULTS  The time was good enough for 28th overall, 3rd in my age group.  (Pretty sweet AG awards!)
Negative splits?  Ha...1:33:38 and 1:44:16, but looking back, it wasn't that ugly of a finish...with my fitness, I couldn't hold on to the opening pace for 26.2, so by the time I hit 21, it was damage control...so did the wheels really fall off physically, or mentally did I know I wasn't going to hit the 20:00 under time and just shut it down?  A question I can't answer.

A race I highly recommend, and a town you need to visit!  www.marquettemarathon.com

Post race...I need a Pepsi Max.

Next up, marathon #107 at Big Cottonwood Marathon in Salt Lake City, UT on September 14th, 2013.