I think at some point I was supposed to go through the 7 steps of grief/mourning, whatever they call it, but I feel like I am still in denial...maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and everything will be fine. ...well my ride today was a wake-up call.
The weekend before my stroke (Saturday Feb. 24th) I ran 14 miles...not fast, 8:37 average on a moderately hilly route...felt rock-solid for a guy who hasn't put in a lot of miles over the past 6 months, but getting out to run 14 miles has never been a problem, and it wasn't on this day either.
4 days later I really struggled on a simple hill workout...just chalked it up to being fat and out of shape. Should have listened to my body...3 days later I had my stroke.
Since that time, I really haven't felt bad. The pills seem to be kicking my ass and I seem to have lost a few pounds...but I am still power-walking 6 miles at a crack (Even sneaking in some light 'jogging' during those walks...shhhh) and riding 1-2.5 hours at least 5 times per week...not hard riding, but pushing maybe a tad more than I should.
It was SO nice out today that I decided to ride into work, an 8.5 mile route that I have done before, and holy shit, what a fucking train-wreck. From the first pedal stroke, I had zero power, almost like I haven't been on a bike in years. Medicine catching up with me? Maybe I've been doing too much (Boo)...or maybe...? Rode home after work and was sure not to push it, and I did feel better on the trip home, but wow, this morning sucked...
It's been a night of reflection, both in my personal life, and as an athlete.
As most of you know, I am an open book, wearing my heart on my sleeve...to a fault on occasion. Well you know what, life isn't always a rose garden...life sucks sometimes, and this is one of those times.
Why would this happen to ME? I'm Derek Lindstrom... Is this another test? ...and if so, to what end? Does God know that I AM a fighter, so maybe it's easier to put this on MY shoulders rather than someone else? Or is this something I deserve for years of maybe not being the nicest guy? Who knows...but it sucks ass.
No running? Ok, I can live with that...for now. I've run my share of miles/races...maybe it's time for someone else to win :) ...but the ride this morning was hard...what if I take a step back and start struggling doing simple things like power-walking, or riding a bike? Fuck, it's just riding a bike!
During my ride this morning I glanced down to the TomTom at one point...7.8 mph...? What? 7.8? You're a sad piece of shit, Derek Lindstrom! I used to RUN that fast!
I think back to only 3 years ago...I really wanted to run the NYC Marathon, and the only way to get in, as using the lottery system is next to impossible, is to run a qualifying time. So, I design a 7 week training plan, head down to San Antonio for the RNR Half Marathon, only needing a 1:32 to get in on an 'elite' bib, and qualify with time to spare...that's how easy it has been for years. Stay fit, and when it's time to race, run through a short training cycle and show up. So, to struggle on an 8 mile bike ride, fuck.
Am I swearing too much? I'm finding myself with a little more love in my 'broken' heart, but I also find myself with a bit of a 'harsh' side now as well...maybe I need the 7 steps?
- SHOCK & DENIAL
- PAIN & GUILT
- ANGER & BARGAINING
- "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS
- THE UPWARD TURN
- RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH
- ACCEPTANCE & HOPE
I think back to my first marathon in 1981...or my first 50 mile trail run in 1989 (On 3 days notice...). Racing in Europe; my first 24 hour mountain bike race; my first Ironman...just go out and do it. Toe the line, race hard and see how you stack up. It was never really that I wanted to win more than the guy next to me, because we all want to win, but I HATED to lose...more than the guy next to me!
...and in the end, maybe that attitude bit me in the ass?
Life has been a battle for me for so long, but I always had my running/racing. I could use a long run or ride as an escape, my time to just get out. Some people meditate, some smoke weed...I would just run. How do I handle the stress of life now?
Life has been a battle for me for so long, but I always had my running/racing. I could use a long run or ride as an escape, my time to just get out. Some people meditate, some smoke weed...I would just run. How do I handle the stress of life now?
Derek, been praying for you. When I have come to the end of myself and my abilities I have realized that I needed God to do what I cannot. I consider my life a walk of Grace and Faith because I know Him who walked on water. I trust Him completely even with those things He allowed in my life that don't make sense. Let me know if you want to talk more about it.
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