Dumb

Happy Monday fellow campers...hope you had an amazing weekend. I spent Sunday in Duluth just hiking, taking in the beautiful day...and beautiful it was.
I left the cities early Sunday morning so I could sit on the beach at Park Point and watch the sunrise...then off to trek through town before a quick 20,000 step hike at Gooseberry.
My favorite part of Gooseberry is to follow the river bed of Nelson's Creek to the cove at the lake...but the river was too high/moving for me this time. Hiking alone with a heart condition is already cause for concern...only so many risks.
Saturday I was able to make my way out to watch some amazing athletes compete in the Liberty Triathlon...really started to pour and the race was cut short, but it sure was nice to see some great friends competing...you guys all rock! ...and to finally meet Erik, fellow Leadman...dude, remember, it's all about getting your ass out of the chair!  Good luck!

Who knew I would end up enjoying blogging about my journey as much as I do...very relaxing, and I can speak/swear the way I want...but, I really appreciate the feedback.
I sound depressed; I'm doing too much; I sound redundant; I am strong...sounds like everybody interprets my writings differently...cool. ...and honestly, my vibe can change at the drop of a hat.

So, I know what you're all waiting for, results from Friday's follow-up doctors appointment.
The news was not what I was hoping for, but I was not surprised, and I am cool with it.
I went alone, which is always scary, as most of the words I can't understand, so my small 'guy' brain hears what it wants to hear. ...and here is what it heard.

I rocked my stress test the previous Friday...duh. VO2 max was rock solid...again, duh. ...let's move on. 
The PET/radiation CT scan thing I took on Wednesday, looking for traces of cardiac sarcoidosis... 

Cardiac sarcoidosis is a rare condition which affects a small number of people who suffer from a condition called sarcoidosis – an inflammatory condition that can affect multiple organs.

What Is Cardiac Sarcoidosis?

Cardiac sarcoidosis is a rare disease in which clusters of white blood cells, called granulomas, form in the tissue of the heart. Any part of the heart can be affected, though these cell clusters most often form in the heart muscle where they can interfere with the heart’s electrical system (conduction defects) and cause irregular heartbeats (arrhythmias). Cardiac sarcoidosis can also result in heart failure.

The disease tends to affect younger people, generally between 25 and 45 years old.

Most people diagnosed with cardiac sarcoidosis also have granulomas in other organs of the body, most commonly in the lungs (pulmonary sarcoidosis). 

Well, joy joy, test came back positive...what the fuck? Now I have cardiac sarcoidosis as well? I thought this test was more of a formality...double damn. ...tells me to get to an optometrist and get my eyes checked, as CD can mess with sight as well...I guess? Dumb.
Cause? Treatment? ...I have no idea...she lost me at 'positive'. ...but, it's not cool.

But wait, it gets better. We got chatting about the stress test and how the nurse reading the test, as I was finishing, (Comma? No Comma?) said 'did you feel that?'...circling a spot on the print-out. Nope, I didn't feel anything.
That concerned look came over the face of my cardiologist when she heard this and left, only to come back with another doc, another nurse and some guy with a computer/cart. This guy can read my pace/maker with this computer mouse dealio... Well, it looks like in the past 2 weeks I had 6 'spells' where my heart spikes, couple of times as high as 255, for a period of time...coming close to the defibrillator going off...? What? Isn't this why I have the PM, so this shit DOESN'T happen?
From what I understand, which isn't a lot, (Can we say dumb?) if my heart goes crazy over 200, the number my defib. is set at, it has a 'grace period' before the defib. shocks the shit out of me (Sorry so graphic...), though I don't know if it was 14 beats, or 14 seconds...again, dumb.
...and it's funny, a while back I talked about this long walk I did FROM the hospital, mainly 'cuz I was pissed, well 2 of the spells happened early in that walk. What?

So hear I sit, Monday morning, ready to attack another week, STILL not knowing what the fuck is going on. ...though I am now on 800mg of amiodarone to, well, I don't know what the hell it's supposed to do.

So no, I'm NOT depressed; I am NOT doing too much...and if I sound redundant, FU. ...and strong? What does that even mean? Some days I look at myself as a pansy, some days I feel like I can kick Bautista's ass...some days, blah...BUT, I'll keep at it... 

This upcoming weekend is going to be tough. Friday is/was supposed to be a 5 year anniversary (?), and Saturday is the Leadville Marathon, race 1 in the Leadman series...won't be toeing THAT start line...THIS year! ...may need a 30 pack of Busch Light for this weekend :) (...water, as Jen P. calls it.)

I had thought about asking doc for some Zolft, but I've got this shit. I'm Derek Lindstrom, and I can do anything!

Make someone smile today!

Identity

i·den·ti·ty

ˌīˈden(t)ədē/

noun

noun: identity; plural noun: identities

1. 1.

   the fact of being who or what a person or thing is.

I've been thinking hard about identity recently, and what it means...and what is becoming of MY identity?

I'm becoming more lost by the day, not being able to run after so many years, and so many miles... I was known as a runner, I felt like a runner for many years. 

Now, I'm just a guy, and some days, not a very good one. 

A friend of mine recently said I need to focus on being a good coach and a better father...is that my identity? I find myself questioning who I am...

I was able to talk to a another friend in depth tonight about her cancer, how she traveled the road alone, and what SHE did to get herself out of bed every morning during and after...it's hard. 

At the time, she felt the same way that I do right now...questioning why, why me, why am I getting out of bed. But, she got through, one day at a time, with the help of friends and family, and now she's rocking life...so there IS hope for me!

Can we talk about today's adventure? Ugh...the scheduled PET Cardiac Sarcoid Study.

This test involves pumping my body full of radiation and then shoving me into a CT 'tube', looking for sarcoidosis in and around the heart...don't ask. 

I was ushered into the dreaded CT room around 8... Insert IV, a quick 15 minutes in the tube, I believe to just get a baseline. "Have they told you how big your heart is?" ...why yes they have, thank you...dick. 

Brings me back to a small personalized room, get's me comfy, then shoots me full of radiation, along with a couple of vials of saline...then asks me to sit there for 2 hours...really? 

At the end of my 2 hours/prison, I'm brought back to the CT room and placed back in the tube for another 15 minutes...REPEAT. 

Results? I won't find out anything until Friday when I meet with my cardiologist.

Last Friday I completed a stress-test on a treadmill at the Heart Institute...I think I crushed it, but what does that mean? With an ejection fraction of @15 I can still dominate the treadmill...that bitch was smoking, I was working it so hard...well, maybe not, BUT, I thought the test went well...I did my best. Speed wasn't killer, but the elevation, wow. Started at 10% with nominal speed, though every 3 minutes they bumped up, both elevation AND speed. When I finally 'gave-in', I think I was running at 22% elevation...HR stuck at 164/165, VO2 max was solid...BOOM.

But what does that even mean? I've done a similar test so many times, I knew HOW to work, and when...and being a pretty tough/stubborn kid, I knew I could hang on...which I did.

I guess we'll get those results on Friday as well.

Am I going to get a clean bill of health and I'll be told maybe I can start running again? No...BUT, maybe the tests will show that I'm efficient enough to live at 15%...hell, I don't even know what I'm talking about...again, lost. Friday.

I think where I'm at, nobody knows what to do with me, so I think the tests are more to cross 'possibilities' off the list. I don't believe I have cardiac sarcoidosis, but let's find out, and if not, we can cross it off the list.

What's next? Bring that shit on, 'cause I'm Derek Lindstrom, and I can do anything!