Reflection...

It's been 8 weeks...still not a lot of answers, but life is moving on.

I think at some point I was supposed to go through the 7 steps of grief/mourning, whatever they call it, but I feel like I am still in denial...maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and everything will be fine. ...well my ride today was a wake-up call.

The weekend before my stroke (Saturday Feb. 24th) I ran 14 miles...not fast, 8:37 average on a moderately hilly route...felt rock-solid for a guy who hasn't put in a lot of miles over the past 6 months, but getting out to run 14 miles has never been a problem, and it wasn't on this day either.

4 days later I really struggled on a simple hill workout...just chalked it up to being fat and out of shape. Should have listened to my body...3 days later I had my stroke.

Since that time, I really haven't felt bad. The pills seem to be kicking my ass and I seem to have lost a few pounds...but I am still power-walking 6 miles at a crack (Even sneaking in some light 'jogging' during those walks...shhhh) and riding 1-2.5 hours at least 5 times per week...not hard riding, but pushing maybe a tad more than I should.

It was SO nice out today that I decided to ride into work, an 8.5 mile route that I have done before, and holy shit, what a fucking train-wreck. From the first pedal stroke, I had zero power, almost like I haven't been on a bike in years. Medicine catching up with me? Maybe I've been doing too much (Boo)...or maybe...? Rode home after work and was sure not to push it, and I did feel better on the trip home, but wow, this morning sucked...

It's been a night of reflection, both in my personal life, and as an athlete.

As most of you know, I am an open book, wearing my heart on my sleeve...to a fault on occasion. Well you know what, life isn't always a rose garden...life sucks sometimes, and this is one of those times.

Why would this happen to ME? I'm Derek Lindstrom... Is this another test?  ...and if so, to what end?  Does God know that I AM a fighter, so maybe it's easier to put this on MY shoulders rather than someone else? Or is this something I deserve for years of maybe not being the nicest guy? Who knows...but it sucks ass.

No running? Ok, I can live with that...for now. I've run my share of miles/races...maybe it's time for someone else to win :) ...but the ride this morning was hard...what if I take a step back and start struggling doing simple things like power-walking, or riding a bike? Fuck, it's just riding a bike!

During my ride this morning I glanced down to the TomTom at one point...7.8 mph...? What? 7.8? You're a sad piece of shit, Derek Lindstrom! I used to RUN that fast!

I think back to only 3 years ago...I really wanted to run the NYC Marathon, and the only way to get in, as using the lottery system is next to impossible, is to run a qualifying time. So, I design a 7 week training plan, head down to San Antonio for the RNR Half Marathon, only needing a 1:32 to get in on an 'elite' bib, and qualify with time to spare...that's how easy it has been for years. Stay fit, and when it's time to race, run through a short training cycle and show up. So, to struggle on an 8 mile bike ride, fuck.

Am I swearing too much? I'm finding myself with a little more love in my 'broken' heart, but I also find myself with a bit of a 'harsh' side now as well...maybe I need the 7 steps?

1. SHOCK & DENIAL
2. PAIN & GUILT
3. ANGER & BARGAINING
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS
5. THE UPWARD TURN
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE

I think back to my first marathon in 1981...or my first 50 mile trail run in 1989 (On 3 days notice...). Racing in Europe; my first 24 hour mountain bike race; my first Ironman...just go out and do it. Toe the line, race hard and see how you stack up. It was never really that I wanted to win more than the guy next to me, because we all want to win, but I HATED to lose...more than the guy next to me! 

...and in the end, maybe that attitude bit me in the ass?

Life has been a battle for me for so long, but I always had my running/racing. I could use a long run or ride as an escape, my time to just get out. Some people meditate, some smoke weed...I would just run. How do I handle the stress of life now?

"I'm Derek Lindstrom, and I can do anything!"

#WhoKnew
First, thanks for taking a few minutes to stop by my blog. I have had this blog for the past 8+ years, using it only occasionally as I was training for the 'next big race'...a race that never seemed to happen.
I've run/raced a lot...110 marathons, Ironman, probably nearly 700+ races in total, but over the past 5+ years, I truly have found myself searching for a race, a meaning.
I honestly thought that Leadman 2018 was going to be IT. I was excited, motivated...threw down my $855 to enter. Was training at a D+/C- level for most of the fall/winter, having limited energy to get out. Motivation, none. Always tired with an excuse. What a lazy piece of shit, I would call myself.

Fast forward to Saturday March 3rd, 2018, in Stillwater picking up Torun from swim practice, standing in the lobby of Stillwater Jr. when all of a sudden I felt odd, really light headed, to the point where I needed to lean against a wall so I didn't fall over. No arm movement and couldn't speak, though I was coherent, enough so that I could see and hear Torun, but I had no movement...I'm sure all the swim-moms I was with thought I was drunk. Lasted maybe a minute or so but gradually got feeling and such back, but what the hell was that? "You ok, papa?"  Still not feeling the best a couple of hours later, I drove myself to the ER, just to make sure I was OK to drive.
Park Nicollet in Burnsville, nope, they send me across the parking lot to Fairview where they run me through a hula hoop looking MRI...nothing. "Let's try one more test...", I hate when they say that. Well this MRI shows a dissection(?) in the back of my neck, a tear that could have been pooling blood, or where a clot had formed and let loose, possibly causing a minor stroke, but we need more tests. So, off by ambulance I go, to Fairview Southdale, for the night.
The next morning I'm treated to numerous texts...another MRI, labs...so much blood drawn, good god. Ready for this? "Let's try one more test..." Ugh.
This test, a TEE, gets me put out for just a minute, placed on my side and they shove some tube down my esophagus to take a peak at my heart...I came to not knowing they had done anything. My kind of test :)
Now I'm not sure when I got results, whether it was Sunday or Monday, but at least I got news. Severe scaring in the heart, a severely dilated left ventricle, a 6x8 thrombus (clot) in the LV...and an ejection fraction of 23%...
I think basically what he was saying is that "You're screwed!"...wait, what?

So here I sit, Thursday April 12th, 2018, with no other news. I've seen 3 cardiologists and a neurologist, with 4 different conclusions. I found a cardiologist at the Heart Institute in Minneapolis that I really like, so I will listen to her...and her advice is to first get an ICD implanted, more to keep me alive in case the ticker stops. The ICD will jump start it, as I understand it. 
After the ICD, it's time for a biopsy to take a tiny chunk of the heart to see what the scaring looks like. After which they will do what they can to get my EF number up, (I'd take a 35 at this point) and if not, well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
#WhoKnew

So, I could use a quick prayer from time to time. I want to grow old to see the kids graduate from high school, to get married...maybe get back to the point where I can jog with them, though those days may be done :(

Yea, no running and only easy riding. I'm on blood thinners to help with the clotting, and I think they're afraid I may fall down, get a cut and bleed out...? Don't they know who I am? I'm Derek Lindstrom...I don't fall :)

That attitude, which has worked well for me for years..."I'm Derek Lindstrom, and I can do anything!" ...an attitude needed to race well, to push through another hard workout. I remember riding with the Gear West Tri Team June of 2016, a ride that I will always remember, as will Jordan Roby. I show up ready to rumble, pushing the pace from the start, a KOM on Game Farm Road, and I pushed hard for 40+ miles...pushing, pushing, pushing, and I remember telling myself a couple of times on that ride, when I was going to be dropped, that "I'm Derek Lindstrom, and I can do this...I can pound these guys into the ground!"
Worked well THAT day, and on too many runs to count over the years...well, that attitude may have sucked the life out of me. So many times over the past few years I would suck up a workout, push through, pound, push, whether I had the energy to pound or not...turns out I did not, and that I was struggling because I was sick. But how was I to know? I assumed I was just getting older and losing motivation...turns out I was tired and struggling because my IF was half of that of other runners/riders. ...suppose that should make me feel better, but it doesn't.

Gotta run now, but I hope you take time to pop in and read from time to time...it's going to be a battle, both physically AND emotionally. Reading that almost 40% of patients with heart issues such as mine run into depression, well I'm not going to let that happen...I'm Derek Lindstrom, for crying out loud!